Anxiety on Wheels


I’ve decided to turn Lola’s room into a meditation studio as I likely won’t see her until COVID dies down (which may be a year from now, depending on COVID vaccination). I sent her one final text letting her know I’m here if she wanted to talk; she’s been absolutely unresponsive since the stupid, “Make sure to ask Lola how school is going” passive aggressive text from my ex two months ago. It is what it is.

I was able to get pretty deep into my meditation session. I started by saging the room and opening my third eye. My face, body went flush, hot like it usually does. My body started swaying, my eyelids fluttered. I felt like I was falling inwards a little deeper than I usually do, which scared me a bit; but I ended up going deeper anyway.

I breathed in self love and compassion, the light of the universe; I breathed out anything that arose. I broke down, bawling my eyes out; my ribcage opened and I felt exposed, vulnerable.

I pulled and every single card was upside down. I shrugged it off and pulled again, energy work can be a finicky thing.

My Lunarly box arrives today, I’m very excited to experience what treasures are contained. It’s a subscription service which delivers self care/spiritual items every new moon; I’ll have plants to take care of soon.

It would be interesting to pack up and take the van out far enough away from home to become absolutely terrified, then dip into the stream in meditation to see what I find. I’d like to continue pushing myself until I can make it down to the park as that would open more opportunities to reconnect with nature and get some good walks in.

Lazy Wednesday Morning

I’d like to get back to focusing on the light. It’s not that you can force darkness out, you just need to clean your window.

I experimented with standing in front of a mirror and looking into my eyes, telling myself, “I love myself”. Kamal is right, it is quite a powerful exercise. I have such kind eyes and the wrinkles around my starburst eyes are warm, inviting. It really makes you think; these are the eyes other people fall in love with, what if I fell in love with myself?

“This I know: the mind, left to itself, repeats the same stories, the same loops.  Mostly ones that don’t serve us.  So what’s practical, what’s transformative, is to consciously choose a thought.  Then practice it again and again.  With emotion, with feeling, with acceptance.   Lay down the synaptic pathways until the mind starts playing it automatically.  Do this with enough intensity over time and the mind will have no choice.  That’s how it operates.  Where do you think your original loops came from?” 

― Kamal Ravikant, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It

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