Anxiety on Wheels


I like to think that dreams are a way we can check in on our subconscious. Visualization within your waking state can lead to the same physiological activations as a real event, the mind cannot distinguish between real or imagined threats or joys, often resulting in the same hormonal release; cortisol, adrenaline, dopamine, oxytocin.

It’s one of the reasons why visualization during meditation can be so powerful, journaling, hypnosis. On the flip side, catastrophizing and automatic negative thoughts can have the same, however, undesired effect.

Dreams are part of the process of letting go for me, I’ve been here before. In 3 months to a year they’ll become less frequent and subside completely; Amanda will be just like anyone else, a memory without emotional meaning or impact, “burned out of my memory” as she put not wanting to do and why she wanted to strive for a “friendship”.

I don’t do friendships with exes, especially when the ex is someone who I feel is highly emotionally abusive and a covert narcissist. I really don’t need someone in my life who tears me down and gets joy out of life by looking down on others. No fucking thanks.

I’ve been reading articles about forgiveness lately, it seems impossible but I know that it’ll supercharge my healing and letting go. The faster I can move through these feelings of betrayal and hurt, the faster I feel I can work though my anxiety and agoraphobia.

It’s been on the tip of my tongue for awhile now, so I’ll just say it. You know, I think one of the reasons why this is so hard is that it wasn’t that there were any huge issues in our relationship and I have no doubt that we would have been happily married and still together if Kayden didn’t come back between our engagement and wedding.

I feel as if she would have healed and let go of the hurt of him ghosting her and she would have had the emotional space to engage in our relationship, find meaning in marrying someone. But still, I don’t feel as if she’s emotionally mature enough to do a long term relationship. Seeing someone a few times a week leads to things always feeling new, you never leave NRE, which can be very nice, but so shallow.

I have the same sort of dynamic with my partner whom I only see, spend the night with once a week. It’s deliberately shallow in a way; it doesn’t matter how we keep our houses, our annoying traits or emotional outbursts. It’s easy to find compatibility within a limited scope; The School of Life has a video about it: “In praise of short term love”.

I remember how annoyed she was when they lived together and it’s quite hilarious to think of how things would fall apart if they chose to do so again. It’d kill the “magic”.

Hey, to each their own, though. I naturally gravitate towards wanting to live with someone, coparent and build a life with someone. The more poly people and poly aware therapists I talk to about “non-hierarchical” polyamory, the more I come to see it as one of those nice thoughts like ending world hunger. It’s something on the order of impossible to do in the real world. It was just an excuse to minimize the guilt of replacing a primary partner, and his child whom was just married.

Ha, I’m here again in this stream; it’s so incredibly easy for me to fall into it. That’s really the core of PTSD and trauma, we replay the same things over and over again to try and work out another outcome. It’s like we can’t accept the truth of the situation or something; that it’s too painful to sit with and emotionally process.

There’s a part of me that’s scared to cry and grieve because I feel as if there’s so much that it would be absolutely overwhelming. It is in a way. I’ve never cried or felt so sad over loosing a relationship before. I remember placing my hand on our wedding board, our family portrait that she had drawn and just loosing it, I cried until I fell upon my knees over and over again.

I really loved her and I don’t even know why. I think that there’s this thought of unfinished business between us, that we never really had a fair chance because of stupid, and the fact that I was used to fill a hole in someone out of scarcity.

You know, I keep getting the thought that this is karma in a way; there’s surely been people that I’ve hurt. Not that this releases her from the fact that she should have never been on OkCupid unless she was over her ex. It really wasn’t fair that I was sucked into her codependency and used to stuff a hole.

I need to find ways of becoming empathetic so I can forgive and let go. Empathy and forgiveness doesn’t mean that I loose sight of the emotional abuse and the betrayal of what’s been done to me, but I can still release the emotional attachment to it all.

I feel as if I’m just writing myself into a think hole at this point and I’m becoming rather tired and annoyed in this space.

I was used by a covert narcissist to validate themself, who used polyamory as a weapon; an excuse to absolve themself of the guilt of emotionally destroying someone and their daughter so they could get what they wanted at any cost.

She lied, cheated, betrayed, replaced, then disposed of someone whom she just married. She feels as if she is above authority, that the rules don’t apply to her and I feel as if there is a deeper psychological component of superiority due to me being a cis male.

I believe that she is a reverse male sexist, she’s highly skilled at putting up false fronts and has the charisma to convince others of her inflated ego and superiority.

Where I can express empathy is by understanding. I feel as if her childhood dynamics and lacking empathic mirroring on behalf of her parents set her up to crave vulnerability, while not needing to display empathy or vulnerability in return. She’s had abusive and narcissistic partners who have betrayed and abused her in the past, sexually, physically, and emotionally; I feel as if some of our falling out was attributed to this as I feel I was unfairly likened to past partners.

She’s had a rough go at it. Mhm, this is where I’ll find my empathy to forgive and let go. She really wanted that family life, that long term relationship where she makes breakfast and sees her partner off every morning. Pinterest boards about having a baby. I mean, fuck, she really loved Lyndsay, her first long term relationship, and she engaged her, then engaged someone else behind her back, all the while betraying her and cheating on her constantly throughout her relationship.

Yeah, it makes sense. Also, polyamory makes sense for her. Relationships can be kept at arm’s length and the vulnerability of cohabitation, attachment to any one person isn’t a factor.

There’s also the fact that only seeing a partner a few times a week can really help things always feel new and keep the brain producing those feel good, NRE chemicals. There’s no way that I could have competed with that, cohabitation changes dynamics and couples are tasked with integration and acceptance of all character traits, including the undesirable ones.

That’s what I really love about polyamory, personally; I can have my cake and eat it, too. I can live with someone and do the coparenting; life building thing and also keep things new; mindhack in those feel good chemicals, oxytocin, dopamine, and then share them in my primary relationship.

The brain is funny like that and I’d argue that parallel arrangements in polyamory kind of take away some of that benefit. I personally love being able to spend a night, or an evening in the RV with my partner, then come in once she leaves and lay next to my other partner. It’s so easy to bring those NRE, feel good feelings back “home” and vice versa. I feel as if this is the definition of abundance.

They’ve formed a friendship and talk quite a bit, we all love to hang out, it’s amazing. Both of my partners have have other relationships, have had connections at this point and I feel no jealousy or insecurity, just compersion. It’s an amazing feeling and very indicative that my behavior in my marriage was due to it being abusive, toxic.

It’s time to put this down and I feel better now writing and processing. I’m going to work on the van today and get some good work in, I think I’ve managed to get the paint smell out and I’m excited to see the results. I will make some time to meditate today.

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