Anxiety on Wheels


I was woken up around 7am by the sounds and humidity of the shower. I can hear the vent fan, the smell of shampoo and the soft flow of the water changing in timbre every so often. I was up a little later the other night, soft snoring and my heart swelled a little bit when I looked over and watched her sleep while I was on my laptop doing something or another.

It’s colder outside, the leaves are changing and nature is gearing up to let go.

And we shared intimacy and slept in while I held her in my nook when she got out of the shower. The sun was just starting to come out, golden light was streaming through the mountain tapestry over the window. Her hand is on my back and I can feel her breath on my side. Ha, I’m trying to get her out of bed now so she doesn’t home home too late from work.

I finally set up my RAID array on my desktop last night so I have plenty of space for all of my games and projects. I’m really excited for my partners and friends to try out VR! (does anyone know where I can find a plank?)

Lo just left for work. I went into the kitchen with her while she made her breakfast sandwich, I made my decaf and put in some CBD as I do every morning. 11:11. We hugged and made out a bit and I watched her leave; our morning routine.

Ha! Lo invited me to a poly meme group.

I’ve been getting some work in and playing Microsoft Flight Simulator.

The further away I get from the past; the more I’m coming to see that for all I lost, I’ve gained so much. I have people that understand, see me in my life, who value me and it’s so incredibly nice.

It’s kinda funny. I started writing this around 8am and it’s about 3pm now. I went outside and could smell the leaves crunching below my feet. I love it so much!

I feel a difference with CBD, it’s like the anxiety just kinda evaporates in a way and I’m more present.

The check engine light came on in the van; I scanned it and it’s a P2457 Exhaust Gas Recirculation Cooling System Performance which is indicative of a plugged EGR cooler/valve, could also be one of the two temp sensors. It’s likely that the whole EGR system needs to be cleaned but shouldn’t impact performance in the meantime.

And now it’s midnight 😂

Yay, VR!

I’m very excited to have VR again! Lo and I played most of the evening. She picked up a second Switch so she can start a new island on Animal Crossing; she’s obsessed.

What’s with everyone being busy in October? It’s not even the holidays, yet.

Lo and I are going to pickup some pumpkins and carve them this weekend! I may see my other partner this Friday; it’s been awhile! I mentioned hosting a Friendsgiving and getting people together; it’s time to put my large dining room table to use.

I stopped by my altar before coming to bed and breathed in come self compassion, exhaled love to all. I had an interesting experience where I asked my other partner if I was a good person, I could smell her hair for a moment and mentioned it; she said that she was astral projecting to me. I really enjoy her as a person, I’m thankful she’s in Lo and I’s life.

It’s that feeling that no matter how long it is between when we see each other; we fall right back in to us in our little energy bubble.

I’ve had pretty much zero anxiety, anger, sadness or resentment today! I’ve been plugging away at work and catching up on some training I missed out on last winter. I’m still pretty far behind, but thankfully, I have a very understanding boss; like more than you’d believe.

I have so much gratitude for what I do have today. There’s some things that feel the same, yet, so many things are different in my life. I’m a different person than who I used to be. I’m emotionally open, I’m vulnerable, I’m not afraid to listen to my inner voice and stand up for myself. I think most of all, I’m cultivating the kind of independence and self love that I’ve needed.

I don’t feel as if there’s anything wrong with wanting to cohabitate with someone and express healthy dependance. There’s a certain magic and closeness about living with someone and building a life with them. Sure, cohabitation can be hard sometimes; we are all humans with our own quirks, but it’s part of it.

Gone are the logistical challenges of poly. Everyone gets along very well, our group text is lit up multiple times a day. Intimacy and overnights can be shared by using the RV and it isn’t dependent upon who is home or where. We have sexual freedom of the likes that I’ve yet to experience in any relationship and really, really good sex and intimacy.

Sexual safety is paramount. Everyone is safe/closed circle, any deviations are met with a full panel and is taken seriously. I’m not experiencing jealousy or insecurity even when it involves cis males.

A primary partnership in polyamory, we’ve all grown so much and continue growing. People really can change with a loving and supportive atmosphere. It’s all about the people, the right people are key.

Sure, I have much to heal and ways I can continue growing. I must consciously choose to make myself my own best partner everyday. There’s some codependency and a whole lot of trauma and anxiety to continue to work through; but like my other partner told me today:

I don’t think anyone is really a good person…. or if there are truly good people I think they’re unicorns. every person ultimately operates from a selfish place.

I think you try your damnedest to do the best and be as good as you can be in a situation

And that is a good thing in my book

I couldn’t ask for more from a no-bullshit Aries, triple fire sign.

It’s now 9:53am the next day and Lo is cuddling me and asking me to shower with her before she goes to work. The cycle repeats, I’ll warm up her breakfast and we’ll make out a bit before she goes to work. I’ll walk her out to her car. I’ll likely get a walk in, take some photos of the beautiful changing trees and head to work myself. I may invite someone over on my lunch break and I’m surely getting VR time in today!

Lo played Job Simulator for hours last night, she really loves it. I’m going to get the plank out this weekend and have some fun with my partners and friends 😏

I’m feeling a little lighter, happier each day; I am really fortunate.

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