Anxiety on Wheels

Crackheads and Karma

I woke up this morning and went through my routine. However, upon walking Lo out to her car we realized that my bike was in the middle of the drive.

It seems as if some crackhead attempted to steal my bike and ended up jackknifing the handlebars and face planting into the cement. I was both annoyed and ROFL’d in the moment #instantkarma

I took the opportunity to get the warranty parts ordered for the other bike; the battery and charger stopped working.

Luckily they faceplanted, and luckily it’s just a bent rim. Some tightening should do the trick!

I opened up Google Earth VR and went to visit my old house in Whitestown. Street view is pretty recent, the solar panels are in the yard, the cars and RV is there. Frozen in time. I then checked out my childhood home.

[it’s now 2:12am, I woke up from a dream and some heartburn]

I ended up matching with one of the subgroup admins of Poly-Geekery; they have three partners, works at a sex shop, and is very kink friendly. Small world, haha. I also matched up with someone who is genderqueer, they and their partner are looking to explore sexuality since they’ve been together since high school and are wondering what else is out there.

We talked birds, tech, and VR for a bit; it was nice. It makes me wonder what it would feel like to date someone of the same sex, or someone who is trans.

OMG LOL, my closed laptop just started fucking playing a YouTube video randomly on the floor, it scared the fuck out of me hahaha.

I’ve had sex, sexually experimented with males during/shortly after high school, but I’ve never *kissed* one. I carry a lot of trauma regarding males due to childhood abuse and homophobia on behalf of my mother’s ex husband, being called a faggot and beat up relentlessly when I was younger by my peers.

I sound like a bit of a slut, which is fine; I’ve had three partners, sexual or otherwise, including my primary partnership since January? That’s not a high number at all and solidly puts me into the meaningful connection territory, I feel.

Not that it matters or that anyone can judge me but myself. It feels really good having a voice and being able to say, “This is me, these are my needs and how I experience reality. This is how I do my life” and it feels really good, even if others don’t agree with me.

I was never going to be locked down in monogamy again, especially after all the work I put into transitioning and how seriously I took that. I tore out and rebuilt my soul and while the tipping point was to try and save my marriage, it ended up being a personal endeavor, something I wanted to do and see through.

Because I knew that polyamory didn’t have to be hard and a constant crisis all the time. Fuck, I’ve had two partners for.. almost two months now and everyone gets along and it’s easy peasy? Sure, there’s some growth here and there and feelings come up from time to time; but everything is manageable, people communicate and resolve issues while maintaining autonomy.

It just feels right for me, it feels healthy. I have attachments and commitment, but I don’t feel as if loosing a relationship is going to send me to inpatient again.

If I lost my nesting partner, I’d find another. If I lost my secondary partnership, I’d find another. If I lost myself, I’d 3D print a clone and send him out to terrorize the neighborhood.

No, but really, though. I’ve restructured my life to have myself as my central pillar and have built a support network outside of him. It’s hard living for yourself, setting your own goals and finding your own purpose. I feel aimless some days without being able to codependently latch onto someone and build my life around them like I’ve done in any other long term relationship.

It’s lonely sometimes, it’s sad sometimes. Sometimes it feels really good though.

I think a reason why my agoraphobia is so big now is that I don’t have the greater fear of being alone or “good enough” to be loved, seen by other people. I just don’t give a fuck. I show up as myself, post pictures of me shitting in the van on social media, publicly, and if you don’t like me; fuck right off.

Sure, you gain some enemies and people who don’t like you this way, but fuck them, too. I have zero tolerance for bullshit these days and my toxicity detectors will remain on high alert for as far as I can see in the future. Fuck people pleasing behavior.

But back to talking about crackheads. I really don’t like this side of town. There’s a lot of foot traffic down to the corner liquor store and I’ve been asked for “perks” outside by passerby’s. Arlington is a super busy, shitty road driven by a bunch of assholes who shake their fists at you for backing into your driveway.

I’m considering terminating my lease early and finding somewhere more rural outside the circle.

I also don’t know what to do about the RV, truck and car. I am behind on all payments due to my mental health in July and unpaid time taken off of work for treatment, self care. Lo got us the van and while it’s going to take a ton of work for that to be done; having so many other vehicles just feels excessive.

I also don’t like being trapped in a car loan with my ex, I would have happily kept my Focus if I’d known she’d leave our marriage a month after making that commitment. I wanted that car because she had a lease and we both could drive it and travel, it kinda doesn’t make sense now.

I need to figure out if I really want to keep it or if it needs to be sold and the difference be split, less the full amount of the tax return. I’m not even sure if I can afford it considering how behind I am, I’m going to need to run my budget tomorrow and see what can be paid because housing and utilities are more important.

I really can’t wait to get the divorce hearing over with, total freedom from that mistake. It’s the last big puzzle piece of 2020.

And on that bombshell, it’s time to turn on YouTube get some sleep in. Just be sure that if anyone breaks into your house you kill them so they can’t file a personal injury claim. Fuck that shit outright. Look it up, it’s a real thing; people suing homeowners due to getting cut on the glass of the window they smashed to burglarize your home. No thx.


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