Anxiety on Wheels

Adventures, Pumpkins, and Cheese Dip!

First off, we got pumpkins to carve! The nursery was pretty empty, spare some mums and plenty of pumpkins. Fall is solidly here; it’s windier, leaves crunch beneath your feet and I’m wearing my favorite jacket again.

I tried making it down to Best Buy, almost made it; spare 0.8 miles. We ended up driving for two hours around the area, stopping often to get out and walk to burn that adrenaline from panic. I went into two gas stations and a store! Progress is progress, CBD seems to be helping.

I’ve been on-call this weekend, I volunteered to cover a coworker. I’ve been playing Flight Simulator and both Lo and I have been playing the hell out of VR; she’s ADDICTED to Animal Crossing.

I got a solid workout in for the first time in months thanks to Supernatural VR! Fuck, I was sweating, it felt amazing. My knees hurt like a motherfucker.

I’ve been loosing weight, it’s crazy to think I was 240 back in 2018.

I’m going to keep up the intensity and I’m aiming for 180 by next summer.

Get it.

I completely cleared out the meditation room for VR.

It smells so nice in there; Sandalwood mixed with my meditation candle I lit last night to meditate. I’m waiting for Apple Fitness+ to roll out and I feel that getting in some Yoga would help with stiffness, mindfulness.

I’m finding that just about every time I dip into my meditation practice, I cry. I started crying during my workout, too.

I woke to sweats in the night
Strange sensation to feel alive
I find it so hard to tell you
I’m afraid to forget the smell of you

I’m still scared to cry because I feel as if I do, I’d never stop. I feel like I’d just fall into myself until there was nothing left.

I’m practicing being able to go deeper. It’s kinda crazy that we have the technology now to do this scientifically.

I just got a crazy idea for a VR app, what about hypnosis or guided meditation, a “spiritual” session that reads from the headband and feeds you auditory, visual stimuli to influence your brain signaling? Imagine floating in space surrounded by the cotton candy of your brainwaves, or some sort of environmental feedback within the experience based on your heart rate, brain waves, bodily movement?

Between Heart Rate, SPo2, Brain waves, accelerometer, gyro and other inputs, you could craft a super trippy whole body experience.

Went off on a little tangent there, but something like this would blow away the “aura” camera at New Age people for sure. The brain’s sympathetic nervous system has a very hard time distinguishing from VR and reality, visualizations and heck, even thoughts.

Anyway, I’m going to keep practicing crying . My practice is to light a candle, incense, sit on my yoga mat and open my chakras. I imagine the universe streaming light in with every breath, I say to myself, “I love myself” and then I make space for and accept anything that comes up with the out breath.

This leads to many emotions, most of which are dictated by whatever music I have chosen for the session. I can see how this could become addicting.

Am I anxious? Yeah, for sure. Depressed? I don’t know, compared to what? Compared to the past year I’ve had a fucking miracle with how far I’ve come. I’m getting my focus back, I’m enjoying things I love to do, but I’m different. The task has been to integrate the old and the new and come out the other side as a whole person. But is anyone ever whole, really?

The person who was married and who he was married to is dead. I’m still needing to find time to sit down and purge my photo library, everything else is gone, disposed of, thrown away. I didn’t even have enough kindness to burn it, burning things is reserved for meaningful things, not garbage. Next will be the notes sitting in my notes app, the emails, the poems, the rest of it; just need to maintain it for now for evidence in case this divorce gets stupid.

I’ve come to terms that the person I fell in love with never existed and was only a mirror looking back at me.

Are there good memories from the past few years? Yeah! For sure. I’m coming to appreciate those a little more; I’m able to feel them a little more. It’s so funny being able to feel after so long of not being able to, after choosing not to. It’s almost like I can relive the good things and experience it for the first time. However painful the flip side of such is.

This is where things need to be, the only way they could have unfolded and I’m finding some gratitude and appreciation in this.

I just thought to myself if I was being a little too critical or “mean” and if I was the one modifying my reality, but then I remember all the weeks, months I was isolated and alone for no other reason then the person I married intentionally choosing not to show up, to not have the emotional maturity and commitment to follow through a huge thing like marrying someone; and they do not. I was married to an addict and my poor boundaries and the lies I told myself to make them out to be far kinder and compassionate than they were is the true travesty here.

My only regret is not leaving sooner; not that it mattered because I was disposed of in July of 2019. But it would have mattered to me. I wish I would have cut off my direct deposit, got my shit, and headed to my family’s house with my RV when I was healing and finding myself. I wouldn’t of had this agoraphobia and new truma to work though; at least, not as much.

I’ll never tolerate it again, from anyone and I don’t care who they are; which is a little sad, because I don’t know if I’d be able to trust someone like that again; I quite literally walked through hell for someone who commented that I gave up so long ago.

This all comes back to the root; making myself my own best partner and finding that deep compassion, love, and validation from within which no one, and nothing can take away from me.

Even in writing this, I can feel my narratives and patterns changing. It’s a good benchmark, to visit this place again, this scorched island of ash. The ocean is rising and it’ll be under water soon; the logbooks and memories submerged. The broken glass and photo frames lost so they can no longer cut my feet.

Telephone wires, disconnected.

I’m afraid to forget the smell of you

Everything will be okay this time, I promise.

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