So, Mike is mom’s husband. Jade found him on the swing outside (his daughter). To say it’s been a fucked up weekend would be an understatement. Mom is still in the hospital due to her sepsis and physical therapy as she’s a fall risk.
I’m heading over with the RV to support Jade and fam tomorrow. We had been planning on going full-time again and this time actually, for real traveling. Lease is up in January, might as well.
Funeral is weekend after next, not sure if I’ll go. Not anything to do with Mike, I just have unsolved trauma around funerals from long ago.
Yeah, I’ve been sad. Mike and I had a complicated relationship but he was good for mom. I’m not sure what else to say, I’ve never had anyone I personally know commit suicide before.
I thought about it, and it’s why I went to inpatient. It was the hate driven kind though, like here’s the consequences of your actions and what you are doing to me, can you finally HEAR me now that I’m dead? No, but even though I’m 99% over all of that I still have a sneaking suspicion that other(s) may not be, and that’s fine. Not in like a spiteful kind of way, but kind of like, yeah – obviously this is what happens when you intentionally try to hurt someone.
For whatever reason I’ve been thinking that day at the canal with Amanda and Luke lately, just little flashes of processing of the subconscious. I was a toy and it was funny to see me get jealous over the dog, it was intentional. I have no idea why I put up with even a quarter of the bullshit honestly, I’ve burned far too many bridges since for much less.
But hey, I was in that transition from the lifelong trauma based state of just stuffing emotions under the rug since like, forever, and whatever happened to just have to start feeling my feelings, well – there’s no way of going back from that. Not that I was a unfeeling person before, more like, I’m much less scared to feel my feelings and be much more of myself.
Honestly, I don’t regret the experience overall. I’m a much more feeling, vulnerable person now and I’ve become so much stronger within my queerness and have (even if sometimes heavy handed) boundaries so much more well figured out now that even those without them scream narcissist when I’m just kinda done and wish to go no contact.
Happily a narcissist over being taken advantage of, the evolution of the people pleaser.
One thing about handling high grade, nuclear grade trauma, like a suicide, is other issues just kinda melt away. Like I know we may be fucked due to the election and politics bullshit, but I kinda have bigger issues here right now. Not that it’s healthy in any way, but a fact so might as well roll with it.
But yeah. We’ll move the RV tomorrow and use this breakpoint as a transition to start downsizing and getting the homestead ready to vacate. Is third time going to be the charm for actually hitting the road? Let’s fucking go.