Anxiety On Wheels

Author: zorrobyte

  • Loss.

  • Tired, but alive

    So, Mike is mom’s husband. Jade found him on the swing outside (his daughter). To say it’s been a fucked up weekend would be an understatement. Mom is still in the hospital due to her sepsis and physical therapy as she’s a fall risk.

    I’m heading over with the RV to support Jade and fam tomorrow. We had been planning on going full-time again and this time actually, for real traveling. Lease is up in January, might as well.

    Funeral is weekend after next, not sure if I’ll go. Not anything to do with Mike, I just have unsolved trauma around funerals from long ago.

    Yeah, I’ve been sad. Mike and I had a complicated relationship but he was good for mom. I’m not sure what else to say, I’ve never had anyone I personally know commit suicide before.

    I thought about it, and it’s why I went to inpatient. It was the hate driven kind though, like here’s the consequences of your actions and what you are doing to me, can you finally HEAR me now that I’m dead? No, but even though I’m 99% over all of that I still have a sneaking suspicion that other(s) may not be, and that’s fine. Not in like a spiteful kind of way, but kind of like, yeah – obviously this is what happens when you intentionally try to hurt someone.

    For whatever reason I’ve been thinking that day at the canal with Amanda and Luke lately, just little flashes of processing of the subconscious. I was a toy and it was funny to see me get jealous over the dog, it was intentional. I have no idea why I put up with even a quarter of the bullshit honestly, I’ve burned far too many bridges since for much less.

    But hey, I was in that transition from the lifelong trauma based state of just stuffing emotions under the rug since like, forever, and whatever happened to just have to start feeling my feelings, well – there’s no way of going back from that. Not that I was a unfeeling person before, more like, I’m much less scared to feel my feelings and be much more of myself.

    Honestly, I don’t regret the experience overall. I’m a much more feeling, vulnerable person now and I’ve become so much stronger within my queerness and have (even if sometimes heavy handed) boundaries so much more well figured out now that even those without them scream narcissist when I’m just kinda done and wish to go no contact.

    Happily a narcissist over being taken advantage of, the evolution of the people pleaser.

    One thing about handling high grade, nuclear grade trauma, like a suicide, is other issues just kinda melt away. Like I know we may be fucked due to the election and politics bullshit, but I kinda have bigger issues here right now. Not that it’s healthy in any way, but a fact so might as well roll with it.

    But yeah. We’ll move the RV tomorrow and use this breakpoint as a transition to start downsizing and getting the homestead ready to vacate. Is third time going to be the charm for actually hitting the road? Let’s fucking go.

  • Mike killed himself this morning.

    I don’t really know what to say other than what the fuck.

    Right on his swing, shot himself in the head.

    I don’t want to blog further right now.

  • I never wanted to be proven the asshole so badly before

    You mean that I was right THREE FUCKING TIMES NOW??! I wanted to be proven wrong, I wanted to second-guess myself and be proved to be the asshole in this situation but damn man.

    Of course, now she has a fever and she is really high stroke risk so if she strokes out and dies or it causes further damage, I’m the asshole still, right?

    I just can’t even.

    This hit hard

  • No contact

    There will be much I untangle and write about in the coming weeks, but I genuinely feel as if I did the best I could to help my mom. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

    The last 48 hours have been a nightmare. I got a call Thursday night at around 1:38 am from Jade, who was crying. In the background, I heard Mike’s yelling, glass breaking, and things being thrown. The abuse had escalated yet again.

    Mom had already called the police, and I followed up with a call of my own to ensure they responded. Mike packed his stuff and fled the state. On one hand, he faced immense pressure, but on the other, it’s unacceptable to abuse my mother and sister and then abandon mom when she was in real danger due to her current mental and physical state.

    Mike knew that mom wasn’t taking her meds at IU Indy after her surgery, and they both lied to get her released. This decision is baffling, especially after we had to have mom arrested and taken to the hospital the previous Tuesday before her emergency cancer surgery. Refusing antibiotics post-surgery is dangerous and could have severe consequences.

    Tuesday night, I stayed up coordinating help for mom. She was threatening Jade and believed she was being poisoned by her antibiotics. On the advice of a close family friend, I called the local crisis unit. It became a chaotic scene with 20-30 people involved. Mom was deemed mentally unfit by EMTs but still refused care. She had been calling everyone in her address book, reaching out as far as California for help.

    Mike was unreachable during all this, and they never got the Power of Attorney notarized, which added to the complications. A family friend finally convinced mom to go to the ER, and after many hours, she was there. I kept several family friends updated while managing my work responsibilities.

    The kicker is that Mike got her released from the hospital again, leading us back to a dangerous situation. I fear that someone might end up seriously harmed or in jail.

    If Mike hadn’t returned, I would have pursued an emergency guardianship order, ensuring mom got the necessary care. But now, Mike is portraying me as the antagonist, despite my efforts to help. It’s infuriating to be painted as the bad guy when I’ve been the only one actually helping.

    I’ve had my moments of frustration, and while I’ve said things I regret, my primary focus has always been on getting mom the help she needs. I’ve made the difficult decision to go no contact for my own mental health and well-being.

    I know my mom isn’t in her right mind, and the hurtful things she’s said to me will take time to heal. But I can’t continue to be part of this chaotic and harmful situation. For my own sanity, I need to step back.

    To Mike, it’s crucial to understand the impact of your actions. It’s not right to berate and attack those who are trying to help. Genuine support means working together to ensure mom’s well-being, not creating more chaos and conflict. Your actions have not only hindered mom’s recovery but have also caused unnecessary stress and harm to those around her.

    We all need to be there for mom in a way that truly supports her recovery and well-being. This means making difficult decisions, prioritizing her health, and not letting personal conflicts get in the way. It’s about coming together as a family, despite our differences, to do what’s best for her.

    In conclusion, while I wish things were different, I can’t continue to be part of this situation. I need to prioritize my mental health and safety.

  • It’s all went off the rails again

    Got a call at 1am, Mike was breaking and throwing shit, cussing and screaming at mom. Police were called, Mike left state and abandoned her. Little sister was left at home with her while mom kept telling her to leave and she’ll have her removed.

    It’s been a challenging 24 hours,

    After some 20-30 people were at the house, police, EMT, crisis unit, a family friend mom called that she had not spoken to in two years showed up and convinced her to go to the ER. Thank you for that, sir.

    Unfortunately, Mike came back and is in the hospital with her now. And I say unfortunately because I can’t file for emergency guardianship with her husband present.

    I swear to fucking god if he releases her tomorrow..

    Regardless come Monday I have to go no contact again. We either figure out how she gets into an assisted living facility or I’m not going to be in the picture for my own safety and sanity. Mom has absolutely zero reason to be at home, not when she’s flipping out about being “poisoned” when we are trying to get her to take her antibiotics (you know, the drugs that if you don’t take you can die after a major surgery) and her calling the police on us.

    I’ve had to block her again as she’s been very hurtful, not that I’m taking it to heart, but she thinks I’m crazy and out to get her. Just like Grandma back when she was alive and had shingles that one time.

    We’ll see if she gets abandoned again, not that I blame her husband as I can’t imagine what he’s going through, but she should had never been released in the first place as it was known she wasn’t taking her meds. Well, and honestly, his behavior was unacceptable also, but fuck, I had to call the police to have her removed when all this started at my place two weeks ago. It’s just an impossible situation.

    If I’m ever like this when I’m older, just shoot me.

  • My mother is fucking nuts

    The past week has been an absolute rollercoaster. My mom just got out of the hospital, and it’s like she brought a piece of chaos home with her. She’s been awake for days on end, talking non-stop, posting bizarre stuff on social media, and calling everyone at all hours. It’s been a nightmare to manage.

    I’ve been trying to help, but it’s like trying to reason with a tornado. Yesterday, I spent hours trying to convince her to take her antibiotics. She’s on a strict regimen, but she’s acting like I’m trying to slip her poison. At this rate, I’m worried she’ll end up back in the hospital with an infection. She’s just not taking her meds and lied to get out of the hospital as she spit them out. I’m pissed her husband enabled her, she needed to stay in the hospital if such was the case and he knew she didn’t take them.

    Last night, everything came to a head. After a long day at work and playing caretaker, I got pulled into a “family discussion” just as I was slipping off to sleep, at 10pm, and Kasey was winding down. Mom complained we weren’t doing enough, my sister got cussed at when she cleaned up mom’s shit earlier that day from her and the armchair and spent the whole day with her. I could’ve handled it from mom, but then her husband lost it, yelling and cussing us out, which I won’t tolerate.

    It’s also not practical for me to work a full-time job and be expected to be available 24/7 to the whims of my mother’s psychosis. We just arrived Sunday but by Monday I was already absolutely exhausted, emotionally and otherwise. I was up later than I liked due to helping her with meds, then had early morning Monday meetings, with several others following.

    The “family discussion” was unhinged and didn’t make much sense, with mom being insane and the yelling. The gist of it is that mom feels like no one is helping her. She’s not sleeping and hasn’t for a week, is in a constant crisis, insane, anxious, and doesn’t make much sense.

    There is no definition or ability of helping that involves someone reaching inside of her and taking away the discomfort, which is the inherit expectation. Taking care of physical health needs is important, and necessary. Enabling the high energy insanity and being present for the exhausting mental babble is not.

    What was helpful, and one of the quietest states I’ve seen her in since this started (and what I mean but not enabling her) was laying on the couch reading, and repeating gently, but firmly is that I’m tired and just reading. Behavioral patterning in a way (monkey see, monkey do). What isn’t helpful is those around her squawking back and reflecting the undesired behavior, which is hard not to do.

    But anyway, Kasey got cussed and yelled at and she’s not involved with my mother or the situation in the slightest, yet, has been helpful, which was the last straw. Screaming and cussing, we can help or get the fuck out, lol. My partner and I were out of there in a flash. We’re not about to sit there and take that kind of treatment, family crisis or not.

    I’m exhausted, angry, and completely drained. I understand Mom’s not well, and everyone’s stressed, but enabling the flip out and abusive, insane behavior is a boundary that I have no tolerance for. So, I’ve made the decision to block both Mom and her husband for two weeks. I told them to get professional help – like in-home care or return to the hospital – because the family just can’t do it.

    Part of me feels guilty and I’ve been thinking about what if that was me, but I can’t help anyone if I’m falling apart myself.

    I’m still unsure if I’m being too harsh. Two weeks of no contact feels extreme, but so does their behavior. I’ve always had low tolerance for toxic situations, but when it’s your own mother, it gets complicated.

    The trickiest part is that I can relate to some of her anxiety on a smaller scale. Mine looks different and while I certainly feel frantic sometimes, mine comes out more of crying and feeling scared, not blowing up and snapping at other people – or general psychosis as mother has not been sane since all of this started.

    Something happened to her mentally and something is gravely wrong. It’s the hardest part about it and my biggest fear is that she will never come back.

    For now, I’m focusing on maintaining my sanity. Getting some sleep, trying to work, and processing this whirlwind of emotions. It’s a wild situation.

  • A calm day

    First off, mom is mentally here today and thanked me for saving her life, it’s the first time since last Tuesday that she’s made sense. She has surgery Wed and I’m so thankful she’s more there. I’ve been so worried I’d never get my mom back if that makes sense.

    Lianna is currently asleep in our bed. She is visiting from Colorado and it’s so nice to see her! It’s the first time she’s slept next to a couple, and Kasey’s first time. Everything is very calm and peaceful. It was nice getting some 1:1 time in with her last night after Kasey turned in for the night.

    A few funny things. She visited us on our 2 year anniversary, and now 3 as yesterday was Kasey and I’s 3 year. I also finally turned in what I’m calling the “lesbian money”, a bag of change I inherited after my divorce, it was my ex-wife’s and her wife’s change savings. We bought pizza with it, was almost $60 lmao.

    I’m just laughing at that because it’s absurd. Lesbian money to pay for my poly dinner on my 3 yr anniversary on the 2 yr anniversary with our other partner. Suck it, Amanda.

    Just got off the phone with my mom! First time I’ve really talked to her since all of this happened! She’s tired but is making sense. Thanked me for saving her life a few times and told me she’s worked through three of her major phobias, getting arrested, being admitted to the hospital, and talking to a therapist, LOL.

    She’s also quit smoking. Now it’s my turn.

    Kasey is making breakfast while Lianna is still asleep, but be nice being in that queer state in CST timezone 😛

    Evening update, mom is 100% back to her old self mental state wise, thank GOD. They are going to try Chemo instead of bladder removal to try and shrink it. Fingers crossed!

    Also, all the change went through the coinstar machine other than one 1961 Quarter that is made of silver. I’m going to keep it as a keepsake of surviving my “marriage”.

    Mom has totally quit smoking, now it’s my turn to quit my habit as I always promised. God help me

  • Optimistically, mom is likely not going to make it.

    What a hell of a thing, she just retired less than 60 days ago. That’s the thought that’s been in my head this morning anyway.

    No, it’s bad.

    My daughter also hasn’t been in my life for years now and if she ever does come back into it, grandma isn’t going to be here. I’ve considered getting in touch some way but it’s not like it’d matter with the mental state my mother is in… and I’m pretty sure Lola’s mom would somehow make it awful and make Lola feel bad about it as it’s just who she is as a person.

    Hy head is still ringing, going on week two of it. Maybe I got cancer too. I got routine bloodwork scheduled for next week to get a checkup. Blood pressure looks fine as does everything my Apple Watch can tell me. Started before all of this stress. Staying hydrated, right ear looks okay from what the doc can see. Got my ears cleaned out while I was there, was compacted.

    I don’t know, maybe some sort of internal ear infection. Well, I had been stressed for a bit more all of this, the election garbage.

    Sleep, or lack of it does seem to have an impact. Louder when I don’t get good hours in.

    I’m on day 2 of trying to change my tobacco habits. I mixed up a 75% tobacco 25% placebo mix of my normal smokeless with smoky mountain which should net a 25% reduction in nicotine. However, I also need to keep in mind that when jacking around with moisture and PH that I could be inadvertently jacking up the free nicotine content and making more of it bioavailable overall.

    But the thing that matters is a 25% reduction on the carcinogen levels. I also just had a chat with ChatGPT and it does seem the ringing in my head is indeed stress/lack of sleep induced. I’m also writing this on 5hr 22min of sleep.

    So. I should try meditating and going back to sleep.

  • Day 2

    I wasn’t sure if I was going to visit the hospital, I’m still so drained and tired from yesterday, but I’m happy I went. She’s much more coherent, enough to vacillate between being tired and wanting to go home and refuse treatment. The hospital says that if she gets up to do anything but use the bathroom, she looses her bed at IU Indy.

    I’ve had a ton of self reflection this past 24 hours. just trying to get her not to refuse treatment as I know it’s an anxiety trigger for her.

    I made a doctor appointment for tomorrow to see my doctor and figure out this ringing in my head for the past week & I need to get my bloodwork done.