Anxiety On Wheels

Open letter to my mom

Written by

zorrobyte

in

This was unpublished and in my drafts from December 5th, 2024

Hey Mom,

Sorry things flew off the rails last night, it’s been an impossible situation for quite some time now. What do you do when your mom’s doctor calls you and scares the heck out of you? Hopefully you can save and read this if someday you come back into your full self again. I’m hoping you beat this and do.

I just wanted to clear the air and put the past behind me. I do find myself incredibly hurt though, and it’s going to take time to work through that.

I never agreed or promised to leave Kasey, quit my job and move into your bedroom though and I’m not sure where that is coming from. What I’ve said this time around since you’ve been in the hospital is that I would consider it if you got in-home help, or went to rehab for a bit. I can’t do it alone and it didn’t work the two other times both Kasey and I moved there, how are things any different this time?

It’s been 9 times now and when the doctor says there won’t be a next time… I’m sorry but I can’t sweep it under the rug and pretend everything is happy and good, not when there’s a very real possibility of another funeral by Christmas.

And I know it makes you angry if people in your life don’t smile and pretend everything is okay, I get it, it’s scary. I’ve had night terrors for years knowing I’ll die someday but I can’t be anything but who I am, and that person is soft, and loving, and sensitive – I’m someone who cares about his mom and it’s you’re about the only family left, wouldn’t you be scared? Weren’t you scared of losing Betty and Kenny?

But I can’t seem to do anything but make things worse, so I’ve excused myself for my own well-being right now as I’m not okay, and I don’t have the person I usually call when the world isn’t right as she is no longer there right now.

My dad said that his mom and dad were very mean, and it was very confusing for years before they passed away, it’s been helpful talking to him through this. It’s hard not to take the nasty and mean things you keep saying to me to heart when I’ve done nothing wrong and have been very open, honest, and the most helpful that I could be.

I think you’d be proud of me though, and maybe you will be someday as I’ve had no other motive or plan than to just make sure you are healthy and happy. I’m sorry mom, but I can’t and won’t jeopardize my life, my career, and relationship and destroy myself to just keep doing the same things over and over and over again that leads to you just being back in ICU. Mike didn’t know when to step away and I can’t end up like him in the yard.

Things would be different and I would consider moving back home if there was any real meaningful change and listened to even just a little bit of what your doctors are telling you.

I really do hope, and pray that you recover and some day I can talk to my mom again. What I do know for certain, is that I tried everything that I could do and went further, and with more effort than I would have for anyone.

For that, I hope you know that I love you mom, forever, and for all time.

Ross

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