First day of fall. The bedroom is a bit chilly and Bottlecap is clinging to us for warmth. After what seemed to be a long wait my Apple devices arrived. Hello again, iPhone. Hello again Apple Watch. Hello again iPad.
Beep beep of the heater as I turn it on 72. It isn’t entirely cold overnight, but my bones are chilly.
Here comes the humidity due to the dew point change and moisture that was on the coil. Hands are now a bit clammy. I’ll need to keep moisture in check this winter to keep mold from growing. Not so much from the heater, but the warm air coupled with the cool walls.
I don’t know if I want to dive deeply into my emotions and possibly give them more power. Not that I’m running from them, well maybe a little bit. A good cry would do me well I think. No, I just woke up and had a few sobs coming out of sleep.
I’ve been thinking about how much further I could be along by now if I had stuck to a meditation practice. I know how much it helps me and anxiety. I’m not totally sure what the resistance is there. If I had to guess, I think it’s kinda like the fear of some unaddressed/not fully addressed things that may find me there as the last time I was in practice was more in spiritual intent during the pandemic.
I’m not really interested in the spiritual intent or scope anymore, at least, not in the way that I was. I’ve maybe pulled tarot less than a handful of times over the past two years and while it can objectively be a tool to talk to oneself, overall, my experiences have been tainted due to the psychological mind space I was in.
I went over to the old RV earlier today and accomplished some sorting. By god do I have a ton of electronics, boards, wires, sensors. To think that’s what we have here and not including what we have in storage is wild. I can’t even remember what we have in storage.
Which reminds me that I need to call tomorrow and ensure the payment, etc is all still good. Reminder set.
Moving south just seems so remote, but I keep telling myself it’s the same distance I used to drive at least once a month, with full blown anxiety, when visiting Elaine’s family in Michigan. There’s a part of me that’s terrified, and a part that’s excited. I wish I had been more disciplined in the last year and done more of the work, though.
But I also have to tell myself that practically, it’s not very different than it has been here. Yes, it’s been nice to be home for the past week, spending time with family, but it’s not like we weren’t at the campground for most all of the other time we’ve been in Logansport.
I’m actually sad about it. It fucking sucks that coming home was kinda ruined for me and moving here was so incredibly stressful. I had it in my mind, and planned to take this time after being away for years that I’d come home and actually get some good quality time in and get to know my sisters, family a bit better. I had loose plans to come up here and hit the road with family once mom retires here soon.
But fuck it, heck, I’ve been away from home more often than not since I was 18 and never stayed home for more than a month or two at a time. I don’t have to think about why I’ve sought out and clung to partners as hard as I have during my life and why my divorce last time around was one of the hardest things I’ve been though, so far. I managed to build that fragile feeling of stability and security, at least for several months.
Not that all else and everything was perfect, though, but that nest egg, that belonging, that’s the feeling that I couldn’t quite grasp that I’ve wanted again ever since Grandpa was alive.
Dang, I did manage to get into those feelings, huh? The divorce stuff is ancient news by now and I don’t generally think about it on the daily. I think it’s just fall and some of those old memories creep in.
No, I’m just scared of the drive, that’s all it really is. It isn’t so much about being there or if it’s boring, or whatever. It isn’t about being trapped or never being able to leave. It’s just the drive. Panicking on the interstate, being scared. The stomach upset and nausea. Pacing around being terrified of vomiting, even though I haven’t done so since like.. 2015?
Anyway, storage has indeed been paid for the month. Hooray.
I need to get the old RV fully cleaned out and put together. I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do with all of the stuff in there. I think I’m going to implement a litmus test that if I could replace it for under $50 and it isn’t small, I should donate it. I’ve already bagged up two bags of stuff and threw away some things that are clearly trash.
I think we should indeed go to Indianapolis and stay for a half week or so and go through storage. Lo is 14 mins down the road and breaking up the drive feels much more accomplishable. It’ll be the same drive I just made to make it up here.. about a year ago. It’s wild that it doesn’t feel that long ago, we came up in.. December?
No, but real talk, I think it’ll be an excellent test to see how I do. I’ve pretty much exhausted exposure in town, I’m relatively good with going anywhere in town, even alone. It’s time for the bigger trips and the only way to do those is to go do them.
So here’s the plan. Get the RV ready, take it out to France Park. Go enjoy France Park, then go enjoy a random campground on Hipcamp. Get as much exposure in as I can between now and then.
And with that, I’m going to bed.
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