Anxiety On Wheels

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  • Happy 2024! Goodbye fulltime RVing, complicated Tesla feelings, Self Driving, and maybe COVID?

    First off, GOODBYE JEEP! I will never, ever own one or a Chrysler product again unless it’s free or damn near dirt cheap. To be fair, we did get it at the absolutely worst possible time, during the pandemic. Everyone and their mom was jacking up car pricing and things were stupid. I’ve been flipping cars and buying, driving, and trading in or selling shit since I was a teen; it’s the first time I got a bad deal.

    In fact, I sold a 2019 Tesla Model 3 a month after picking it up for MORE than I paid for it! That $50,000 car is worth $28,000 today, hardly two years later, and it was already two years old by when it sold! Brand new Model 3s cost around $37k now and Model Y was… $70,000 during the pandemic and is $34,000-$37,000 now.

    I really wanted to try Full Self Driving Beta, the thing that takes you from point A to B. The issue is that it was invite only and locked down and I wasn’t going to play the safety score game. Also, I was very unimpressed by Autopilot, it felt robotic, unreliable and phantom braking was awful. The Open Source alternative, Openpilot, had better quality of autonomy back in 2018.

    Now days FSD Beta is basically free game now and from what I can tell (open invite), is pretty damn good from what ride along videos I can find by real life users. Not that you can take a nap, and there will be situations where it’ll be more stressful as it can screw up and you MUST be paying attention. But the promise of your car driving you across town, through stoplights, weaving around tight corners and handling stop signs, stoplights, unprotected turns, etc seems much more realistic than it ever has been.

    They are working on what’s called “end to end” and I’ll explain. Right now, they have a self driving stack of around 300,000 lines of code. They hard program policy for the car to drive and as expected, it can often feel pretty robotic. The driving task isn’t a binary thing to solve, there are unlimited edge cases and trying to hard code real life can be just about impossible.

    End to end is a method, basically, where you show a machine learning agent what a human does. Shove in camera images/videos of a human driving and where the steering wheel was pointed, gas, brakes. Shove in enough videos and data and by the end of it you get a model that can just kinda magically replicate what a human can do. Instead of being like “Hey, this is a stoplight, stop while red, etc”, the model just inherently learns that the human stops when the light is red, without even knowing what a stoplight is.

    It’s kinda like… imagine two setups to fling poo. You can sit down and explicitly program a robotic arm with every single movement needed to pickup the poo, how hard to fling it, etc. Then, you can show a monkey how to. You squat over, shit in your hand, then throw it at the wall. You don’t have to say a word, and they get a banana if they do well. The monkey is likely going to learn how to do it and it’s motivated by a banana. Show the monkey over and over again. Show it at night, in rain, if someone is standing in the way, if the monkey is male or female and has those body parts, if they are tall or short. The monkey more organically learns and if you teach it a million different use cases and situations on how to throw poo, it’s generally going to learn how to do it.

    End to end is the monkey. Right now, and why Tesla Autopilot requires lane lines and kinda sucks, especially compared to Openpilot, is that Openpilot has been using what is called a “laneless” model, which uses end to end. They have showed their monkey how to throw poo. Not how to move their arm or every single little millimeter of which joint to exactly move, but example after example of throwing poo and it just figured it out.

    Same with speed bumps, stop signs, stop lights, cars pulling in front of you, etc. It just kinda figures it out.

    And that’s why we’ve been told self driving is coming every year for a decade now. Well, first off because Elon is a twat, but also because it’s really, really hard. Let’s say that when it’s dark, it’s raining, and the monkey can’t see to the left that it flings poo at children and you don’t want it to do that. You can’t simply tell the monkey what a child is and not to fling poo at it. Instead, you just have to show the monkey that in those situations you don’t fling poo at children by showing it what to do in close enough of those specific situations again, and again, and again so it just learns. Maybe that sounds complex and ambiguous, and that’s my point, and why it’s hard. It’s a round about way of doing things, but closer to how humans actually learn.

    And that’s what Tesla is doing come FSD v12, or such is the goal. Of course, you can throw manual policy on top of it like override the monkey when we know for sure it needs to stop, like when we are about to run into a car or something, or it’s clear that we need to turn left. We can manually grab the monkey’s hand when needed.

    Anyway, I’m excited to try it out! I think it’s going to capture my wonder and awe that I first had with Openpilot and what led to driving around the neighborhood for 10,000 miles tinkering with things back when Openpilot needed tinkering to work well, I was pretty much completely over my driving anxiety then. This gets me driving, this helps me work on my agoraphobia, this gives me something to think about when doing the hard, scary work of exposure therapy and there’s something comforting about knowing I can let the car take over to some extent. Anxiety is one of those funny things. Anxious drivers are statistically very safe drivers as they are hypervigilant and when I say I can let the car take over, this doesn’t mean I’m not ready to take over at anytime or that I’m not paying attention, that would be very unsafe. More of, it’s just comforting to know that I can delegate some of the driving task when panicking in the car and chill out for a moment while still being in total control, if that makes sense.

    Don’t think for a second that I like Elon Musk, however. It’s the most painful thing for me to own a Tesla and I think it’s why Teslas have become cheap enough for me to afford right now. It’s the major reason why I got rid of the Model 3, it was downright embarrassing to be associated with him and the fanboys are even worse.

    I have an Anti Elon Tesla Club sticker coming which I will proudly display on the car:

    Not that it’ll prevent me from getting keyed. I guess, just like playing the new Harry Potter game, I had to realize that thousands of other people worked to bring it together and just because the leader is a douchebag, doesn’t mean that it has to completely ruin the end result. Harry Potter has a trans character, you can have a trans character. I’m sure there are plenty of people who worked on the game that hate Rowling. It’s still a shame though on some level. I also think that Hybrid cars are more practical and if we actually cared about the environment, we’d have diesel hybrids with 200+ MPG. Alas, instead we have douchebags buying Rivians to virtue signal and greenwash and I suppose I’m a bit of a douche at the end of a day for considering a Tesla, even if I found one cheap.

    Anyway.

    We received approval for an apartment!!! I’M SO EXCITED! No more having to empty our poo every two weeks! No more 5 minute showers and water pipes freezing up! MORE SPACE! A GARAGE!

    We are getting our shit from storage this weekend and honestly, I don’t remember the majority of what’s in there! It’s gonna be like Christmas from my past self.

    I’m also feeling about 30% better, I’ve been sick these last two weeks. What started as an ear infection due to sleeping with Airpods in turned into bad vertigo. Now I have the sore throat and sinus headache going around. I’m thinking, honestly, it may just be COVID. My sleep the last few days has been pretty awful, just hard to get to sleep and stay asleep. I also had a breakdown yesterday between lack of sleep, not feeling well, and the stress of so much going on. Our lead is leaving at work and we’ll be down to two people from six in support, which is insane. I literally just hit a point where I caught up my queue.

    And that’s about it for now!

  • Suddenly, December; it’s been awhile

    Life is good. It’s 6am, Mike’s surprise birthday party was last night. I’m sitting in the RV out back and it’s pitch black outside. Another week or so will mark one year since leaving Indianapolis and I can’t believe it’s “only” been a year, it feels so much longer.

    Lately the theme has been downsizing and getting finances in order, coming to terms that I can be an emotional spender and making better decisions post pandemic as I finally feel generally good in life again, stable, safe. Motorcycle? Sold. Bunch of other shit? Sold. The Ford truck was traded in two days ago, but hear me out, the APR was so bad on it, which I knew going into it. We needed to be able to pull the trailer somehow.

    No more worries there, went with a slightly used 41MPG Rav4 Hybrid with a better interest rate. Our 6 year Total Cost of Ownership massively dropped and 14MPG vs 41MPG with all of the driving I want to do in the tail end of what’s becoming what used to be my driving paralysis, and the exposure work needed to get there. Fill up from half tank? $15. 528 miles per tank. I tried the aimlessly drive the truck around on the daily, refilling the tank is a hundredaire affair.

    But how do we pull the RV? With the other RV, of course and the Jeep in a pinch. We hope to sell the travel trailer and Jeep by next spring to further drop our monthly expenses. It’s the meantime, it’s paying off a few credit cards, building up savings again, working in the tail end of my driving anxiety. That is, if the Jeep isn’t totaled out come Monday.

    Dead mice dying in air vents and their goo getting on the thing deep in the dash that gets hot… doesn’t smell well. The Jeep has been underivable for about two weeks now and I finally gave up trying to fix it, for now.

    See the black box lower center? That’s the blend door/heater core/airbox assembly. Also see the metal frame around it? It’s impossible to get to without removing the whole ass dash, depressurizing refrigerant, draining coolant, dropping steering shaft. I’ve dumped disinfectant down it, I’ve ran ozone (and ruined some of the interior, ozone did not work regardless of how many people told me to try it on Reddit). I found another nest in back. I’m done dealing with it, hope the insurance claim adjuster brings a mask Monday.

    If they don’t cover it… I’m going to get creative and try vinegar and some other things, the airbox has a drain at the bottom due to aircon condensate so dumping shit down the airbox.. anyway I’m not going to think about it right now. Worse case we’ll trade it in come spring, which we want to do anyway but I’m secretly hoping they total it due to biohazard. Good riddance. It’ll easily be a $6,000-$8,000 fix to do properly at dealership prices as you can’t get mouse goo out, you replace parts and start over.

    But anyway.

    No, we seriously sat down and talked about moving south and what we would need to do to get there. The simple facts of the matter is, I still have a bit more driving and exposure to do (the biggest thing) and I simply own too much shit and need to downsize (my call). We don’t need an electric bike, motorcycle, cars, RVs, a storage unit full of electronic parts and other shit, we need paid down credit cards, a fuel efficient car, money in savings again. I’ve needed to give myself an allowance for the longest time and get my spending under control which I don’t think I’ve done since living in Lafayette.

    Feels weird talking about it, but admitting shit is the first step I suppose. I’ve just never really talked about money and thought of life as transient, so who cares? But it matters and no amount of random shit, or otherwise, fills that void we all have within.

    Speaking of the void and general anxiety levels, I’m up at 6pm as I went to bed earlier, and have been for a while. The colder days and getting dark around 5-6pm does tend to do that. I’m finding my general anxiety levels are lower than they have been for a very long time. I still get bouts here and there, of course, like when I eat a bunch of things that don’t go together and I get a tummy ache or if I choose to go get breakfast early in the morning and I’m still groggy and a bit disoriented.

    Even the Amanda dreams that my brain like to queue up from time to time are softer, it’s actually what led to writing this morning instead of just going back to sleep, which I will here soon. Yeah, the tail end of the bulk of healing, a reconciliation in my mind. It’s that threshold where memories fade a bit and the trauma and bad juju wanes off and a bit of nostalgia takes hold. It’s those last bits of healing in the subconscious. The dreams are basically just sitting and talking to understand each other, with a slight bit of want, and a slight bit of sadness, but overall positive.

    Things happened and went off the rails so quickly that things just fell apart overnight and regardless of comparably how short the relationship was, or even knowing her, it’s what made healing and closure so difficult, as there was no closure and we were both quite uniquely cruel to each other, inflicted that trauma really deep in each other.

    It’s crazy to think how much that impacted my life by the end of it, not only how deep it cut, for whatever reason, but how much I’ve learned about myself and the other things I’ve worked on in my life since then that I may have otherwise wouldn’t. I don’t know, it’s weird.

    I don’t talk much about Kasey on my blog and I think it’s due to knowing, inherently, that she’s a private person, and also, I have to work hard to blog about positive, good things. Not because I don’t want to share them, but more, my blog is the place I go to process, to think, when it spills out and when things are good I don’t feel the need to write about it, I feel the need to experience them.

    But still, I enjoy writing and I like that I’ve been in a better place. The lack of content on my blog and what content is here evidences that pretty well I think. I usually write more when traveling, also, gives my mind something to do.

    Kasey and I are good. There’s been some recent upheaval due to a death in her family and some awkwardness with how to approach someone she has strong boundaries with as the person who died was married to said person. There’s also some awkwardness due to another family member being passive aggressive about things. As for I, we lost our oldest surviving relative the other day, my Great Aunt.

    December has also been weird in general, it’s been in the 40s, 50s and the weather and wild clouds were strange yesterday. I guess snow just isn’t a thing Indiana does anymore and it kinda sucks. I can’t remember the last time we had a good snowy winter and things were white for more than a weekend or so.

    We also have some friends locally that live just on the edge of my driving comfort zone, it’s nice! I’ve been to their house and look forward to going over more often. Then it’s just another 10 min to Kokomo, then wherever else. Openpilot/self driving arrives, again, Monday. it’ll get me out driving and will be fun to fuck around with.

    But anyway. It’s time to head back to bed.

  • Diesel/Diesel Hydronic Heating: The Cost-Effective Way to Warm Your RV

    I’ve always had a bone to pick with propane. With costs hovering around $7 a gallon (considering a 15lb tank exchange priced at $25/bottle), its energy density only reaches 60% of what diesel offers. As an added note, I’ve also installed a heat pump.

    Energy Content & Efficiency:

    • Propane: Roughly 91,500 BTU/gallon
    • Diesel: Around 137,380 BTU/gallon
    • Heat Pump:
      • Capacity: 12,000 BTU/hr
      • Efficiency: HSPF of 9.0

    Cost Breakdown:

    • Propane: $7.05/gallon (based on the 15lb bottle exchange rate of $25~ locally)
    • Diesel: $4/gallon (or less if you find off road diesel)
    • Heat Pump: Runs on electricity priced at $0.13/kWh

    Given a daily heating requirement of 60,000 BTUs for an RV, we can factor in different operational times based on external temperatures:

    • Warmest 8 hours (around 50°F): 25% operation
    • Transitional 8 hours: 50% operation
    • Coldest 8 hours (close to 30°F): 75% operation

    This culminates in a monthly requirement of roughly 1,800,000 BTUs.

    Efficiency of Various Heaters:

    • RV Propane Furnace: 85%
    • 5kW Hydronic Diesel Heater: 90%

    Monthly Costs:

    • Propane (Using an RV Propane Furnace):
      • Consumption: 25.69 gallons
      • Cost: $181.12
    • Diesel (With a 5kW Hydronic Heater):
      • Consumption: 14.56 gallons
      • Cost: $58.23
    • Heat Pump:
      • Energy Consumption: 480.00 kWh
      • Cost: $62.40

    Drawing Conclusions: When evaluating the monthly heating costs for an RV under varying temperatures (peaking at 50°F and plummeting to 30°F), diesel, especially with a hydronic heater, stands out as the most economical choice. The heat pump is a close runner-up. Propane, however, especially when used in a standard RV furnace, proves to be a pricier alternative.

    From personal experience, propane has its challenges. Fixed tank systems can be cumbersome, and the quest for a refill location can be taxing. More frustratingly, propane refills often become impossible during peak winter months—just when you need them the most—because the equipment freezes.

    Then there’s the matter of safety. Propane’s flammability and the idea of storing it in pressurized tanks on vehicles unsettle me. Even though these tanks meet DOT standards, in case of a mishap, I’d much prefer a diesel spill over a potential tank explosion.

    When it comes to sheer convenience (and if electricity access isn’t an issue), heat pumps are a winner. They’re efficient, especially in summer, and can function even in freezing temperatures. However, be wary of defrost cycles at temperatures around 20°F, as they can compromise comfort, especially in poorly insulated RVs. Speaking from an unforgettable experience during the bomb cyclone—with its chilling -50°F wind and fierce 50MPH gusts—this is a vital consideration.

    A word of advice for those considering installing a heat pump in their RV: steer clear of placing a 12,000 BTU unit in a confined space like an RV bedroom. The unit, when cycling, can cause significant temperature swings, leading to discomfort. If I were to redo my setup, I’d opt for a 9,000 BTU unit in the bedroom and reserve the larger unit for more spacious areas like the living room.

    On the horizon for me is a DIY Hydronic heating system for my RV. This project will encompass a diesel coolant heater, car heater cores, ESP32-controlled fans, and a heat exchanger for warm water. Additionally, I’ll be able to use the stock hot water heater to warm the coolant loop when electricity is available, thanks to the two-way operation of heat exchangers.

    The easiest install is a typical air exchanger diesel parking heater and I have one in the old RV that went through the bomb cyclone. You could literally feel the air drafts in the RV during the bomb cyclone and the little 5kW unit kept us alive (not that we didn’t have a house to go into if needed). It ran constantly and kept the RV around 65F at full blast. We did experience diesel gelling and had to switch to Kerosene, however, and I also experienced a metering pump failure due to running it dry (I had setup an auto-retry loop to force the heater to re-ignite after a flame out when the fuel was gelling).

    The reason I wish to go with the more complicated setup of the hydronic heater is hot water without propane and multi-zone heating as this Travel Trailer has a discrete closing door bedroom and I also wish to heat the enclosed underbelly to help prevent pipes freezing. Not running the stock propane furnace leads to frozen pipes as a duct is ran to the underbelly.

    I could also just install two 2kW air exchange parking heaters, well, three considering the underbelly. One for the bedroom, one for the living, one in the underbelly space (and I may end up needing to put one in the underbelly anyway if the hydronic can’t cut it). I found that running a 5kW unit is overkill most of the time and it’ll run at idle more often than not, encouraging soot fouling. Heck, I may even just install my spare 5kW I already have in the living as a backup period.

    Anyway, more details to follow!

  • RV Hot Potato, and wait.. I have anxiety?!

    First off, had such wonderful dreams, thank you for that brain, universe, wherever dreams come from.

    Currently writing from the old RV’s bed, Bottlecap is nestled to my left within petting distance of my left hand, within distance for pinkie pets with my index finger on Q. Stayed at France Park last week, stayed inside mostly and didn’t do much when there, which is fine. It had been raining and the back drive turns into mud on the farm, the farmer’s tractor is out for harvest by the gran bin. Long story short, I got stressed out trying to back the trailer without possibly making a mud pit on either the farmer’s or the rent’s land.

    This led to an unplanned RV swap as it’s smaller and much more maneuverable. I thought I may have a momentary adjustment period of being back in here, but honestly, it’s been good. I’ve actually been in a really good mood being in here, so many good memories and the bed is even more comfy. Less storage space and separation, however. There’s some additional organization and such that needs to occur as I had been using this as a temporary storage unit, and some essentials like plates, cookware, etc need to happen.

    So the plan is to get the RV in top top shape, sparkling and fully set up and spend time driving and being out as much as possible. Same plan as before. Just much easier regarding logistics as you jump in the driver seat and go in the Class C. It’s also more flexible as driving somewhere random, pulling over, and taking some time to chill is possible in here. With the trailer a slide needs to be pulled out and getting to the bathroom requires planning ahead of time which makes things more cumbersome, not to mention hitching, unhitching, reversing, etc.

    On some other good news, I finally got the truck, trailer weighed and worked out my tongue weight and everything I needed on that front. Truck and trailer together weighs 14,700 lbs, which is 7.35 tons. Tongue weight for 10-15% ideal distribution needs to be 850-1000 lbs or so, current tongue weight is 780. My current weight distribution bars are overrated at 1,500 lbs. Now I know why the trailer is prone to sway without a doubt and previously, having even more weight rearward was really causing a problem. It was reassuring for all other specs to be good, however. We have 1,986 lbs of possessions in the RV, well, minus water, so more like 1,436 lbs of stuff. Trailer weight is 8,480 lbs with a full tank of water, max weight is 9,000.

    The primary spec is the tongue weight empty is 752 lb, while the loaded TW is 780 lb. If you don’t distribute weight in a trailer correctly and the TW is too light, it will lead to increased sway as the trailer is unstable and…. porpoising! Porpoising is a bobbing up and down motion on the trailer’s axis which contributes to poor ride quality, increased tow vehicle and equipment wear, and general instability. If possible, it’s better to go higher than lower on the tongue weight percentages for a less sway-prone, planted feel.

    The kicker is.. I already put the heavy generator on the tongue and loaded up the front compartment with some stuff. I also moved the heavy solar batteries already from the extreme rear to the center over the axles. I couldn’t imagine what the TW would have been before 😅 The over spec torsion bars for the weight distribution hitch really doesn’t help either as they are over spec, directly leading to more porpoising.

    Soooo. Shit in the rear of the RV needs to be moved forward and I need properly spec’d bars. It makes me wonder if my old travel trailer was also improperly loaded and my bars were over spec also. Who knows. It also explains why the Class C pulls the trailer better as it’s heavier and much less prone to porpoising as it’s a heavier rig with a longer wheelbase, and a dually.

    Anyway, I enjoy being in the old RV again. I got my work cut out for me today. Cleaning, sweeping, mopping, deciding what shit to get rid of. It never ends, eh? But the biggest benefit of swapping RVs is that it forces us to dogfood and get this rig up to snuff also.

    It’s about 8am now, might as well just get started with the day

  • Rivets, Truck Caps, Soybeans, Sore Muscles

    Gosh darn I’ve been busy. Picked up a used, well loved truck cap yesterday for cheap, came off a 07 with a born on date of 2009, 24 years old! Thankfully it fit my 2 generation newer truck with some modifications to the rear glass. In fact, I had to disassemble the frame and rebuild the rear glass panel as the hinge, rivets have eventually fatigued and sagged.

    I’ve always wanted to use a rivet gun, and now I have! It’s handy how the pop rivets draw the material together as tightened, that feature tightened up the hinge half to the frame considerably. The window glass itself was sagging on the top frame aluminum and the whole structure was slack, so I used some high quality caulking in place of the tired rubber seal and some clamps to bring the frame itself back together, using the glass itself as a bit of structure. I think I’ll run a strip of black matching scrap down the middle vertically and rivet it in to further support the sag right in the middle, make it look nice and not only rely on the caulk that’ll fatigue over time.

    There was the cutest little field mouse that somehow made it into the bed of the truck and was hanging out with me. I should have left the game down so it could have gotten out overnight.. whoops.

    Work cleaning, organizing continues and I’m up at 6:30am after had gone to bed early. I’d do well to go back to sleep and repair more of these sore muscles.

    Really proud of myself for yesterday. Went into town and ran several errands alone, even went into the dealership and had my faulty tire stem replaced as I’ve been on the spare for the past week or two.

    I also have a folding motorcycle carrier arriving that shouldn’t drag on the ground , which is helpful. Also, a 3rd party modem for my home internet as service has been kinda shitty lately as the provided modem has been overheating. I’ll be able to fall back to AT&T from T-Mobile as it’s dual SIM, very handy.

    Anyway, enough writing for today. Waiting for the sun to come up, should make some decaf.

  • The missing Bottlecap drone missions, and other ramblings

    What do you do when your cat up and disappears for two days, is wearing an AirTag, and you’re in the middle of nowhere (so there’s no one to ping the AirTag)?

    We received a ping the morning of the 3rd day, went outside and she was hiding right on the edge of the soybean field. I’ve never seen her drink so much water and she’s been even more cuddly than usual.

    Walking and riding my motorcycle through the soybean field did indeed trigger allergies like a mofo. My legs itch from the scratches of the dry plants and they are pokier than you think.

    I took a children’s dose of Benadryl yesterday morning along with a nasal spray (heck, just did a dose of nasal spray just now). Adult dosage is 30mg with a max dosage of 50mg. I took 12.5mg then a second dose by noon. I was already tired from worrying about Bottlecap the previous night and it triggered some light disorientation/dizzyness. After a spot of panic, I went the fuck to sleep for 3-4 hours, like a cranky child LOL.

    I made it to bed earlier last night and now I’m up at 7am. Had to kick on the central heater in the living room as it’s quite chilly. The fields are foggy and it seems to be overcast. Looks by next weekend it’ll be a proper chill:

    We plan on leaving again by Monday, it’ll be time to pick a random campground and go for it. The first snow, historically, shouldn’t be until December 15th or so. I think if I seriously commit and drift around, especially when we hit our first campground that shopping in a different city is closer than Logansport, that it’s the thing, the next step to continue to make progress.

    Lol, Bottlecap just walked around, slow crawled a bit, then meowed and jumped in her litter box; must be having a Taco Bell morning.

    Anyway, I think it’s time to make some Decaf and get some Farming Simulator in. Let’s grow some soybean and corn

  • Lost in the woods

    We leave tomorrow morning, the weekend has gone by quickly! I got some good sleep in last night, not perfect, but good. France Park has a completely different vibe when there’s hardly any people here. I think that this may be the first time I’ve visited during the week.

    I’m tempted to extend our stay, but we do have a few things that need done before it rains. Better get it done and we can head out afterwards, the camping season seems to be pretty dead in Indiana come Fall. Our goal is to be out as the leaves change, wherever that may be.

    My wrists hurt from riding the electric bike yesterday, I don’t fit it well and much pressure ends up being put on my arms. I may actually pick up a brace just so I don’t damage things further when typing.

    I did manage to get lost in the woods and had a mini meltdown, but I think I handled it well. Eventually made it back to trail head and all was well. Had some derealization for an hour or two after getting back, but some Farming Simulator fixed that right up.

    I made it pretty much behind the beach lake

  • Fall, France park, and Forward Momentum

    I took my advice from last night and now I’m at France Park! The drive was chill and felt pretty short, which is awesome.

    I’m loving the new iPhone’s camera, my watch was super handy to GPS mark the campsite and make it back after out wandering. Got here around 6pm or so, my body feels tired from all the activity today. Got busy around 11am cleaning and organizing stuff, got the truck put back together as it had sit for the last few months. Was very nearly ready to get rid of it, but decided not to at the last moment, and I’m happy I did!

    Very low to no sway with the rear tires inflated to max to minimize sidewall movement and the weight in the trailer reorganized. I do need to get a valve stem replaced, Ford didn’t replace them when I had new tires put on for some reason and one ripped randomly. Thankfully, the spare is full size and I had them put a new tire on the spare as well.

    I should do spark plugs, possibly transfer case and rear transaxle fluid swap. Brake fluid and coolant would also be nice. It was a company/fleet vehicle so I consider that the oil changes and other maintenance was kept up with. For the plugs, not sure if it was due to running E85 or just needs them due to the smallest tinge of rough idle here and there.

    But anyway, I’m le tired, so take a nap

  • It’s fall, hello again Apple & processing some emotions at 1am

    First day of fall. The bedroom is a bit chilly and Bottlecap is clinging to us for warmth. After what seemed to be a long wait my Apple devices arrived. Hello again, iPhone. Hello again Apple Watch. Hello again iPad.

    Beep beep of the heater as I turn it on 72. It isn’t entirely cold overnight, but my bones are chilly.

    Here comes the humidity due to the dew point change and moisture that was on the coil. Hands are now a bit clammy. I’ll need to keep moisture in check this winter to keep mold from growing. Not so much from the heater, but the warm air coupled with the cool walls.

    I don’t know if I want to dive deeply into my emotions and possibly give them more power. Not that I’m running from them, well maybe a little bit. A good cry would do me well I think. No, I just woke up and had a few sobs coming out of sleep.

    I’ve been thinking about how much further I could be along by now if I had stuck to a meditation practice. I know how much it helps me and anxiety. I’m not totally sure what the resistance is there. If I had to guess, I think it’s kinda like the fear of some unaddressed/not fully addressed things that may find me there as the last time I was in practice was more in spiritual intent during the pandemic.

    I’m not really interested in the spiritual intent or scope anymore, at least, not in the way that I was. I’ve maybe pulled tarot less than a handful of times over the past two years and while it can objectively be a tool to talk to oneself, overall, my experiences have been tainted due to the psychological mind space I was in.

    I went over to the old RV earlier today and accomplished some sorting. By god do I have a ton of electronics, boards, wires, sensors. To think that’s what we have here and not including what we have in storage is wild. I can’t even remember what we have in storage.

    Which reminds me that I need to call tomorrow and ensure the payment, etc is all still good. Reminder set.

    Moving south just seems so remote, but I keep telling myself it’s the same distance I used to drive at least once a month, with full blown anxiety, when visiting Elaine’s family in Michigan. There’s a part of me that’s terrified, and a part that’s excited. I wish I had been more disciplined in the last year and done more of the work, though.

    But I also have to tell myself that practically, it’s not very different than it has been here. Yes, it’s been nice to be home for the past week, spending time with family, but it’s not like we weren’t at the campground for most all of the other time we’ve been in Logansport.

    I’m actually sad about it. It fucking sucks that coming home was kinda ruined for me and moving here was so incredibly stressful. I had it in my mind, and planned to take this time after being away for years that I’d come home and actually get some good quality time in and get to know my sisters, family a bit better. I had loose plans to come up here and hit the road with family once mom retires here soon.

    But fuck it, heck, I’ve been away from home more often than not since I was 18 and never stayed home for more than a month or two at a time. I don’t have to think about why I’ve sought out and clung to partners as hard as I have during my life and why my divorce last time around was one of the hardest things I’ve been though, so far. I managed to build that fragile feeling of stability and security, at least for several months.

    Not that all else and everything was perfect, though, but that nest egg, that belonging, that’s the feeling that I couldn’t quite grasp that I’ve wanted again ever since Grandpa was alive.

    Dang, I did manage to get into those feelings, huh? The divorce stuff is ancient news by now and I don’t generally think about it on the daily. I think it’s just fall and some of those old memories creep in.

    No, I’m just scared of the drive, that’s all it really is. It isn’t so much about being there or if it’s boring, or whatever. It isn’t about being trapped or never being able to leave. It’s just the drive. Panicking on the interstate, being scared. The stomach upset and nausea. Pacing around being terrified of vomiting, even though I haven’t done so since like.. 2015?

    Anyway, storage has indeed been paid for the month. Hooray.

    I need to get the old RV fully cleaned out and put together. I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do with all of the stuff in there. I think I’m going to implement a litmus test that if I could replace it for under $50 and it isn’t small, I should donate it. I’ve already bagged up two bags of stuff and threw away some things that are clearly trash.

    I think we should indeed go to Indianapolis and stay for a half week or so and go through storage. Lo is 14 mins down the road and breaking up the drive feels much more accomplishable. It’ll be the same drive I just made to make it up here.. about a year ago. It’s wild that it doesn’t feel that long ago, we came up in.. December?

    No, but real talk, I think it’ll be an excellent test to see how I do. I’ve pretty much exhausted exposure in town, I’m relatively good with going anywhere in town, even alone. It’s time for the bigger trips and the only way to do those is to go do them.

    So here’s the plan. Get the RV ready, take it out to France Park. Go enjoy France Park, then go enjoy a random campground on Hipcamp. Get as much exposure in as I can between now and then.

    And with that, I’m going to bed.

  • Holy shit, it’s cold outside

    It was hot, hot, hot then BAM. Mid to low 70’s and in the 40’s overnight. Welcome to Indiana and welcome to Fall allergies. I’m so happy to have found my nasal allergy med, my sinuses/nose has been killing me lately (and my sleep schedule).

    I made it to bed around 9pm, I was a tired bitch and it’s currently 6:30am, I just couldn’t sleep anymore. My decaf just finished brewing, excite!

    Currently tapping this on my new MacBook Pro. Yes, again. As much as I dislike Apple’s anti-consumer, anti-enviorment, e-waste business practices, I just can’t escape the ecosystem. This silly bitch sold his last MBP for a ASUS G14 with a 4060 and a Samsung Fold 5 and I just can’t do it. Last year I did the same and tried going Lenovo Thinkpad and a Fold 3/Pixel 7. Sigh.

    I’ll skip the typical junky/malware/tracking/jank comments on Windows/Android/Samsung and just say this, it’s easier to get my work done on Mac. It’s easier to do development on Mac. And if I have a Mac.. might as well go iPhone so I get my messages and photos and notes and reminders and calendars and contacts… and non shitty photos and videos in messages as everyone I know runs iPhone.

    iPhone is finally getting USB-C, though. Fucking. Finally.

    But anyway.

    I have an idea for an App, it’s an agoraphobia exposure app. Think Pokemon go, but you get points and levels based on how long, and how far you travel from a start point. You are at your front door, hit record, then it tracks your time and distance and rewards points with the distance from home driving the multiplier value. For walking, the multiplier is higher as you don’t walk as far from home and driving, lower.

    I want the app to track how you are feeling before and after the exposure, rate your anxiety on a scale of 1-10, set a goal. Compare this to before and after and track your progress over time. I want to have a big red SOS button the user can tap and have panic resources on tap if needed during their exposure. Much of this is from CBT such as the mood tracking, etc. Eventually, I could create a companion app for therapists and they can coach you on your progress, assign goals, etc. The possibilities are endless.

    So far I have a map

    I found some example walk tracker apps on Github.The hardest part is going to be literally learning app dev, it can’t be that hard, right? 😉

    Lastly, just about two weeks to go until I move! I’m trying as hard as I can to not predetermine my experience or think about the drive. I think it’s gonna be really good for me once I settle in.