Anxiety On Wheels

A phone call, then back down the rabbit hole

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zorrobyte

in

I started inpatient yesterday, not that I’m particularly actively suicidal or have suicidal ideation, just that I’ve made so much progress with my agoraphobia and don’t want to wake up trapped in my home again, seemingly unable to walk out into the front lawn to collect my mail as I was during the pandemic.

I need the extra support right now due to the extreme stress myself, and the family is under and I’m so incredibly emotionally drained.

It’s been a decent enough day. I’m happy to share that we submitted an application for an apartment in Colorado with a tentative move date of February. It’ll be a big change moving out of Indiana and moving across the country, but we will be moving close to someone we love and a breath of fresh air is sorely needed on all fronts.

I almost don’t want to write about this evening’s events as it feels like a bad dream, but mom and I talked; we had a nice enough conversation. I sung Peter Cottontail and Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer to her, she sang along. She had me write some really strange letter, which I’ll include below:

She dictated the letter to me and what to say. Functionally, it doesn’t mean anything, no one has ever invoked POA or Medical Directive in this situation and no one has ever prevented her from coming home, obviously.

What is concerning that apparently her estate attorney dropped her due to ethical concerns. I’m not sure exactly what transpired there, and honestly, I’d rather not know.

And what is further concerning is whatever insane rant mom started texting me about being in her emails right after her phone call, after telling me how everything was “forgiven and okay now”?

Yeah, I don’t know.

For whatever reason it reminds me of this, lol

https://archive.org/details/ytp-it-s-all-right-here-at-your-fingertits

I was instructed to access Mike’s emails to collect information soon after his death by mom, such as Amerigas for their home propane, AT&T for their wireless bill, information about Mike’s Mom for his sister so she is taken care of. I’m sorry, but I’m really not interested in whatever he had in his email inbox, although I’m sure there’s some cringeworthy boomer humor in there somewhere.

No, what actually happened is that her attorney added her to an existing email thread I had with him discussing what needed to occur with probate and my previous efforts trying to stay on top of legal obligations as Mike’s executor is unable to, or unwilling to execute his will. Not that anyone would benefit from that other than mom as she inherits all of his assets. Somehow, my mother considered that redirecting her emails or being in her emails?

Whatever the causality, she did say I was no longer her son and to never contact her again, which hurt, but this is just how things go with mom these days.

EDIT LMAO IT GETS SO MUCH WORSE TODAY

Jade called me this morning and mom is at the police station trying to press charges against her for giving her the “wrong meds” paramedics were also apparently out there last night and confirmed they had the correct meds. What did I write yesterday about mom trying to kill herself by only taking Vitamin C? I… can’t make this up.

I suppose the difference today is that I’ve just come to expect it and I can put my renewed tools such as the inpatient session last night, “Make the best out of a bad situation” to work.

I’ve also been diving back into Tao philosophy lately, two of my current faves

But it’s nice knowing there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Work is very busy, but I seem to be doing well (somehow, like damn), we are redecorating our home to have a safe, comfortable place to be in, and we have the move to look forward to, reset our lives in some way.

Imagine waking up to this view every morning, it doesn’t seem real

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