Life is good. It’s 6am, Mike’s surprise birthday party was last night. I’m sitting in the RV out back and it’s pitch black outside. Another week or so will mark one year since leaving Indianapolis and I can’t believe it’s “only” been a year, it feels so much longer.
Lately the theme has been downsizing and getting finances in order, coming to terms that I can be an emotional spender and making better decisions post pandemic as I finally feel generally good in life again, stable, safe. Motorcycle? Sold. Bunch of other shit? Sold. The Ford truck was traded in two days ago, but hear me out, the APR was so bad on it, which I knew going into it. We needed to be able to pull the trailer somehow.
No more worries there, went with a slightly used 41MPG Rav4 Hybrid with a better interest rate. Our 6 year Total Cost of Ownership massively dropped and 14MPG vs 41MPG with all of the driving I want to do in the tail end of what’s becoming what used to be my driving paralysis, and the exposure work needed to get there. Fill up from half tank? $15. 528 miles per tank. I tried the aimlessly drive the truck around on the daily, refilling the tank is a hundredaire affair.
But how do we pull the RV? With the other RV, of course and the Jeep in a pinch. We hope to sell the travel trailer and Jeep by next spring to further drop our monthly expenses. It’s the meantime, it’s paying off a few credit cards, building up savings again, working in the tail end of my driving anxiety. That is, if the Jeep isn’t totaled out come Monday.
Dead mice dying in air vents and their goo getting on the thing deep in the dash that gets hot… doesn’t smell well. The Jeep has been underivable for about two weeks now and I finally gave up trying to fix it, for now.
See the black box lower center? That’s the blend door/heater core/airbox assembly. Also see the metal frame around it? It’s impossible to get to without removing the whole ass dash, depressurizing refrigerant, draining coolant, dropping steering shaft. I’ve dumped disinfectant down it, I’ve ran ozone (and ruined some of the interior, ozone did not work regardless of how many people told me to try it on Reddit). I found another nest in back. I’m done dealing with it, hope the insurance claim adjuster brings a mask Monday.
If they don’t cover it… I’m going to get creative and try vinegar and some other things, the airbox has a drain at the bottom due to aircon condensate so dumping shit down the airbox.. anyway I’m not going to think about it right now. Worse case we’ll trade it in come spring, which we want to do anyway but I’m secretly hoping they total it due to biohazard. Good riddance. It’ll easily be a $6,000-$8,000 fix to do properly at dealership prices as you can’t get mouse goo out, you replace parts and start over.
But anyway.
No, we seriously sat down and talked about moving south and what we would need to do to get there. The simple facts of the matter is, I still have a bit more driving and exposure to do (the biggest thing) and I simply own too much shit and need to downsize (my call). We don’t need an electric bike, motorcycle, cars, RVs, a storage unit full of electronic parts and other shit, we need paid down credit cards, a fuel efficient car, money in savings again. I’ve needed to give myself an allowance for the longest time and get my spending under control which I don’t think I’ve done since living in Lafayette.
Feels weird talking about it, but admitting shit is the first step I suppose. I’ve just never really talked about money and thought of life as transient, so who cares? But it matters and no amount of random shit, or otherwise, fills that void we all have within.
Speaking of the void and general anxiety levels, I’m up at 6pm as I went to bed earlier, and have been for a while. The colder days and getting dark around 5-6pm does tend to do that. I’m finding my general anxiety levels are lower than they have been for a very long time. I still get bouts here and there, of course, like when I eat a bunch of things that don’t go together and I get a tummy ache or if I choose to go get breakfast early in the morning and I’m still groggy and a bit disoriented.
Even the Amanda dreams that my brain like to queue up from time to time are softer, it’s actually what led to writing this morning instead of just going back to sleep, which I will here soon. Yeah, the tail end of the bulk of healing, a reconciliation in my mind. It’s that threshold where memories fade a bit and the trauma and bad juju wanes off and a bit of nostalgia takes hold. It’s those last bits of healing in the subconscious. The dreams are basically just sitting and talking to understand each other, with a slight bit of want, and a slight bit of sadness, but overall positive.
Things happened and went off the rails so quickly that things just fell apart overnight and regardless of comparably how short the relationship was, or even knowing her, it’s what made healing and closure so difficult, as there was no closure and we were both quite uniquely cruel to each other, inflicted that trauma really deep in each other.
It’s crazy to think how much that impacted my life by the end of it, not only how deep it cut, for whatever reason, but how much I’ve learned about myself and the other things I’ve worked on in my life since then that I may have otherwise wouldn’t. I don’t know, it’s weird.
I don’t talk much about Kasey on my blog and I think it’s due to knowing, inherently, that she’s a private person, and also, I have to work hard to blog about positive, good things. Not because I don’t want to share them, but more, my blog is the place I go to process, to think, when it spills out and when things are good I don’t feel the need to write about it, I feel the need to experience them.
But still, I enjoy writing and I like that I’ve been in a better place. The lack of content on my blog and what content is here evidences that pretty well I think. I usually write more when traveling, also, gives my mind something to do.
Kasey and I are good. There’s been some recent upheaval due to a death in her family and some awkwardness with how to approach someone she has strong boundaries with as the person who died was married to said person. There’s also some awkwardness due to another family member being passive aggressive about things. As for I, we lost our oldest surviving relative the other day, my Great Aunt.
December has also been weird in general, it’s been in the 40s, 50s and the weather and wild clouds were strange yesterday. I guess snow just isn’t a thing Indiana does anymore and it kinda sucks. I can’t remember the last time we had a good snowy winter and things were white for more than a weekend or so.
We also have some friends locally that live just on the edge of my driving comfort zone, it’s nice! I’ve been to their house and look forward to going over more often. Then it’s just another 10 min to Kokomo, then wherever else. Openpilot/self driving arrives, again, Monday. it’ll get me out driving and will be fun to fuck around with.
But anyway. It’s time to head back to bed.
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