First off, mom is mentally here today and thanked me for saving her life, it’s the first time since last Tuesday that she’s made sense. She has surgery Wed and I’m so thankful she’s more there. I’ve been so worried I’d never get my mom back if that makes sense.
Lianna is currently asleep in our bed. She is visiting from Colorado and it’s so nice to see her! It’s the first time she’s slept next to a couple, and Kasey’s first time. Everything is very calm and peaceful. It was nice getting some 1:1 time in with her last night after Kasey turned in for the night.
A few funny things. She visited us on our 2 year anniversary, and now 3 as yesterday was Kasey and I’s 3 year. I also finally turned in what I’m calling the “lesbian money”, a bag of change I inherited after my divorce, it was my ex-wife’s and her wife’s change savings. We bought pizza with it, was almost $60 lmao.
I’m just laughing at that because it’s absurd. Lesbian money to pay for my poly dinner on my 3 yr anniversary on the 2 yr anniversary with our other partner. Suck it, Amanda.
Just got off the phone with my mom! First time I’ve really talked to her since all of this happened! She’s tired but is making sense. Thanked me for saving her life a few times and told me she’s worked through three of her major phobias, getting arrested, being admitted to the hospital, and talking to a therapist, LOL.
She’s also quit smoking. Now it’s my turn.
Kasey is making breakfast while Lianna is still asleep, but be nice being in that queer state in CST timezone 😛
Evening update, mom is 100% back to her old self mental state wise, thank GOD. They are going to try Chemo instead of bladder removal to try and shrink it. Fingers crossed!
Also, all the change went through the coinstar machine other than one 1961 Quarter that is made of silver. I’m going to keep it as a keepsake of surviving my “marriage”.
Mom has totally quit smoking, now it’s my turn to quit my habit as I always promised. God help me
What a hell of a thing, she just retired less than 60 days ago. That’s the thought that’s been in my head this morning anyway.
No, it’s bad.
My daughter also hasn’t been in my life for years now and if she ever does come back into it, grandma isn’t going to be here. I’ve considered getting in touch some way but it’s not like it’d matter with the mental state my mother is in… and I’m pretty sure Lola’s mom would somehow make it awful and make Lola feel bad about it as it’s just who she is as a person.
Hy head is still ringing, going on week two of it. Maybe I got cancer too. I got routine bloodwork scheduled for next week to get a checkup. Blood pressure looks fine as does everything my Apple Watch can tell me. Started before all of this stress. Staying hydrated, right ear looks okay from what the doc can see. Got my ears cleaned out while I was there, was compacted.
I don’t know, maybe some sort of internal ear infection. Well, I had been stressed for a bit more all of this, the election garbage.
Sleep, or lack of it does seem to have an impact. Louder when I don’t get good hours in.
I’m on day 2 of trying to change my tobacco habits. I mixed up a 75% tobacco 25% placebo mix of my normal smokeless with smoky mountain which should net a 25% reduction in nicotine. However, I also need to keep in mind that when jacking around with moisture and PH that I could be inadvertently jacking up the free nicotine content and making more of it bioavailable overall.
But the thing that matters is a 25% reduction on the carcinogen levels. I also just had a chat with ChatGPT and it does seem the ringing in my head is indeed stress/lack of sleep induced. I’m also writing this on 5hr 22min of sleep.
So. I should try meditating and going back to sleep.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to visit the hospital, I’m still so drained and tired from yesterday, but I’m happy I went. She’s much more coherent, enough to vacillate between being tired and wanting to go home and refuse treatment. The hospital says that if she gets up to do anything but use the bathroom, she looses her bed at IU Indy.
I’ve had a ton of self reflection this past 24 hours. just trying to get her not to refuse treatment as I know it’s an anxiety trigger for her.
I made a doctor appointment for tomorrow to see my doctor and figure out this ringing in my head for the past week & I need to get my bloodwork done.
I invited mom over today, Kasey went to pick her up. Mom has been sick with Kidney issues, has been through some rounds of antibiotics.
She had been on no sleep and started crying her eyes out when she got here, I held her for a while. But then she started to get on this weird kick of.. well I can’t explain it. She wasn’t making much sense and was repeating herself and quite confused.
I laid her down in my bed and she slept for a few hours, she seemed better by the time she woke. I made her creamy chicken noodle soup and ensured she had water. But things went off the side of a mountain. She kept getting stuck again and not making sense.
This went on until I got concerned enough to call an ambulance. They showed up, as did the police. Something was very wrong. I called Mike over and let my sisters know that something was wrong.
At first I thought it was anxiety related, feeling a little unreal, which I get. But no. By the time Mike got here, Kasey and I were in tears, or close to. Kasey had to leave the room as she was starting to feel crazy herself. She kept repeating that she’s never felt so unreal, then wildly vacillating between that was a lie, she’s never felt better in her life, and kept asking us to ask her questions. It went on for another three hours, she’d get agitated from time to time.
I called the police again as there was no way for us to get her in the car, she didn’t know where she was or how she got here. The police eventually had to handcuff her and take her to the hospital, not that she got violent, but we had no other choice. It was that bad and getting worse. It had been going on in various ways from 10am to 7pm, not counting when she was asleep.
She seemed normal for a brief time right after she woke up.
We considered that it could be a UTI as when you get older, it can cause cognitive issues, hospital originally agreed and started fishing for sepsis of the brain, which made sense and didn’t seem overly scary as bacterial stuff can be treated.
But then I got word that they found a mass in her kidney leading to her uterus and that it’s cancer. Of course, or at least I’m told by friends, they can’t be sure without a biopsy, but from what I know, it wouldn’t be the first time she’s had a cancer scare in her life.
Now, this may sound selfish, well or maybe not.. as our fears and worries are sometimes. Well, no, it’s empathy. I feel for her. I’m putting myself in her shoes and I’m scared. I’m scared I’m going to loose my mom. I’m scared about the same happening to me. And I’m scared for her because I know that all of this for her, as much as she can understand what is going on right now is her worst fears. Hospitals, doctors, and she’s going to need a lot of it from here on out I think.
I’m exhausted. I’m going to numb out and watch YouTube now until I sleep.
I’m working on getting back to creating VR180 content and have a more solid plan for an exposure therapy app. Storyboard:
The most challenging aspect, and why I’ve never quite done more than some test shots:
“Affordable” cameras kinda suck. That was taken on an Insta360 X3. I just got done with the Insta360 X4 at “8k” and can’t stand the sensor noise. You can clean up in post, Neat Video or Topaz AI, but even on a 7950X3D/4090 rig, 4 minutes of video takes 4+ hours to process as the video frame is so high res!
So screw it, I found a refurb/used Canon R5 C that is full frame 8k60p, but I’m NOT going with the Canon RF5.2mm F2.8 L Dual Fisheye, at least not yet as what’s the point of stereoscopy as human stereo vision breaks down quickly.
Close Distances (up to 20 feet/6 meters): Stereoscopic vision is very effective. Depth perception is highly accurate.
Intermediate Distances (20-100 feet/6-30 meters): Stereoscopic vision still functions well, but depth perception becomes less precise as distance increases.
Far Distances (beyond 100-200 feet/30-60 meters): Stereoscopic vision begins to break down, and the brain relies more on other depth cues, such as size, perspective, and motion, to perceive depth.
vs.
City Driving (25-35 mph / 40-55 km/h): Drivers usually look about 1-2 blocks ahead, which translates to roughly 200-400 feet (60-120 meters).
Highway Driving (55-70 mph / 90-110 km/h): Drivers often look 12-15 seconds ahead, which at these speeds is approximately 1000-1500 feet (300-450 meters).
Rural or Open Road Driving: In more open areas with higher speeds and fewer visual obstructions, drivers might look even further ahead, up to 20 seconds, which can be around 1500-2000 feet (450-600 meters) or more.
I can thank openpilot for understanding of that and years of people wanting dual cameras for “depth” when it’s moot, thanks… George Hotz, you prick, haha
I just think V180 is kinda a novelty, like, view VR180 adult content and notice you go crosseyed when the performer gets too close to the camera and generally, the chromatic aberration, etc.
You end up using less than half the full frame sensor per eye, which ends up being less than 4k per eye.
I want to do mono vr180 as we don’t need stereo outside the car as nothing will be stereoscopic outside of the car anyway due to how human eyes work. Like sure, the car inside will be 3D, but starring inside of a car isn’t usually good for motion sickness, even in real life and could be distracting.
This is a TTARTISAN 7.5mm F2.0 APS-C on a full frame, I think E-mount, the green lines are imaginary ASP-C sensor size.
Here’s the Canon EF 8-15mm f/4L Fisheye which can be adapted to the R5 C as well.
The only “issue” with the 7.5mm F2.0 is that it’s not exactly a circular 180 on the sensor and I’m gonna have to calibrate it to know exactly what the horz/vertical FOV is for metadata so it projects properly. It does seem to be the best for my use case as we retain left/right head movement and don’t quite need the full up/down head movement while in car as it would just be floorboard/roof of the car, maximizing sensor area for what we care about.
Camera lenses, stereo, VR180, etc is kind of a bitch to understand and think about, then you have aperture, ISO, focus, etc to contend to. Like f5.6 and f8 should be the sharpest for this lens:
It’s all going to boil down to ensuring I have the correct ffmpeg v360 fov mappings, but once it’s dialed in, it’s dialed in. It’s also handy the R5 C doesn’t have IBIS so we don’t have to worry about the sensor shifting and introducing judder/vibration into the image in car.
Still, 8k60p files are gonna be a pain to deal with just due to sheer size. Thankfully I can copy what the adult VR180 industry is doing and it seems they use h265 at 20Mbps for 8k stereo content, 8000×4000 dual eye.
General Complete name : /Users/Downloads/SLR_SLR Labs_Apple Vision Pro 8k demo_4000p_42338_FISHEYE190.mp4 Format : MPEG-4 Format profile : Base Media Codec ID : isom (isom/iso2/mp41) File size : 225 MiB Duration : 1 min 0 s Overall bit rate mode : Variable Overall bit rate : 31.4 Mb/s Frame rate : 59.940 FPS Writing application : Lavf61.0.100
Video ID : 1 Format : HEVC Format/Info : High Efficiency Video Coding Format profile : Main@L6.1@High Codec ID : hvc1 Codec ID/Info : High Efficiency Video Coding Duration : 1 min 0 s Bit rate : 31.2 Mb/s Width : 8 000 pixels Height : 4 000 pixels Display aspect ratio : 2.000 Frame rate mode : Constant Frame rate : 59.940 (60000/1001) FPS Color space : YUV Chroma subsampling : 4:2:0 (Type 0) Bit depth : 8 bits Scan type : Progressive Bits/(Pixel*Frame) : 0.016 Stream size : 223 MiB (99%) Writing library : x265 3.2.1+1-
I’ll be focusing on VR180 Mono so I can half the horz and do like 4096×2048 or something and do square equiangular so we don’t have black boarders in the output video.
Although many 360 videos are a minimum of 4K, content can often still look very blurry. I’ll explain why. When viewing 360 video content, the viewer is only seeing a small slice of the 360 footage at a given time within their field of view. This means that a 3840×1920 360 video is actually only displaying about 1280×720 in the viewing portal at a given time. This is why VR video content sometimes looks like television from the 1990s. For this reason, every pixel counts!
Anyway! My Vision Pro arrives today so I’ll get lost in that for a bit and see if it sucks, or is magical. I really don’t want to fuck with Quest 3, even though I own one as I loathe Android development and the AVP has the most magical feature of them all, high quality screens and foveated rendering so you can display higher quality videos than anything else right now. Let’s home Apple keeps the spatial computing going
It’s been some time. It’s 6AM on a Sunday, a strange dream draws me back to this place but like most dreams. and most things it’s up to us to assign value, meaning to them.
I’ve had a shift in mental state since moving here, the anxiety and stress I once experienced constantly, pacing the hallway in that shitty house on Arlington hitting the walls with my hand to focus on that pain seem.. well now that I think about it and re-experience it a bit, not that long ago but my sentiment going into it was something that doesn’t flash into my consciousness much anymore.
Trauma and PTSD is a bitch, I was certainly in a state of both, and yeah fuck it, back then. It’s 2024 now. Back then, that feels good. Not that I have to put in a ton of effort convincing myself of that, literary word flow and storytelling.
I think most generally I stay busy. Current project is perfecting the home office and getting a setup that works well for me. So many options and ways I could go about it and you know me when it comes to my tech, I’m highly opinionated.
I play D&D now, I’m officially a nerd. We’ve been meeting up weekly with our quad and playing, it’s been nice. We had a spit of Poly Drama for a little bit there, some growing pains and resetting expectations, but I’m very glad to have been a little patient and reapproach things with more patience. I know it’s certainly good for Kasey to have that outlet and connection.
She wants to learn how to 3D print! I should get her started today on that, we have the definition of an easy to use printer after all and I’ve loved buying her a Mac for her to use. She just bought a whole mess of D20 stickers and is going to stickerbomb her laptop. God, she’s such a nerd, haha.
It’s been good things being stable, safe most generally and why I wanted to move here. New people are certainly hard to come by for sure, but that’s fine.
Hey! I have healthy and delicious meals to start today! I’ve reupped my subscription to one of those prepared meal places. I had a mediterranean fish dinner thing the other night, kale and olives and such, it was delicious. I think 5 days of meals a week is a good balance and it’s less likely go to waste as I think that was the primary challenge last time around.
Anyway, I think it’s time to start my day, and/or I’m tired of writing haha.
Went to Peru yesterday, helped fix our friend’s plumbing and swung by and checked out our new place! It’s still not open, yet, and is looking like February or so before it’s open from what we can tell. Little cute rows of houses with garages. I am so looking forward to it.
I very nearly headed to Kokomo on the way back, if I only had the Tesla back I would have to check out the supercharger station. They should be done with that come Monday.
Overall, I’m in a good place! Cabin fever continues and we can’t sell these RVs fast enough.
I’m starting to get feelings about driving more, going to Indianapolis for date night. I felt my old friend, anxiety, when driving to Peru and was just fine. I’m getting to the point where I know it isn’t so much the drive or being away from “home”, it’s just a bit of tummy upset and a bit of disorientation due to adrenaline. I think once we get moved, I get my car charger installed in the garage it’s going to be on like Donkey Kong as they say.
Mother Nature wanted to give us one last hurrah before we left. I kept bitching about it not being like winter, and bygolley, I got it. Woke up to freezing my ass off, the heat pump is in perma-defrost, diesel heaters quit due to gelling. Have a bit of propane left over so switched the big furnace on. I did have to go outside and swap around tanks.
It’s so cold and windy it’s hard to breathe outside. The temp is dropping another 5 degrees by 8am.
Movers came yesterday, we officially are 100% moved out of Indianapolis. It was a clusterfuck. The storage place’s gates were frozen and there was no emergency number or way of contacting the owner/manager. The rear gate kinda opened, but not really.
Manager refused a refund for the remainder of the month, ended up paying movers another $175 due to sitting around. Owners owns DQ next door, thankfully he came over and was able to take the gate off.
2 Men and a Truck forged my signature on all pre and post move paperwork. I tipped the movers well and let them know I guess I have full rights if anything is broken or stolen.
Lastly, dude at O’Rileys ended up scratching my windshield on the Tesla when we swapped wiper blades. It was a bitch as the mechanism was frozen and they made it unnecessary complicated for no reason. Kinda miffed at that, but it’s alright, the scratches are superficial and I have some oxide stuff coming to buff/polish the scratch out. I went to the Car Wash, the manual one as all others were closed, and used the wand to unfreeze the wiper blades. It worked, but was weird seeing the ice build up on the car as I was washing it.
We’ve yet to hear back on timeline to move in to our townhome, it’s still going to be a bit longer, hopefully we get in no later than February.
It’s 4am now and I’m kinda venting a bit, but there’s still a lot to be grateful for, and I am. My shit is out of Indy even if it didn’t go very smoothly. The heat is out, but now it’s warming up due to the propane furnace working. The water is frozen, but the tank and pipe heaters I installed last summer should keep the shit and water tanks unfrozen.
I think that’s why the Texas grid failure was so extreme in 2021. I’m sitting in this RV bedroom right now and the wind is loud, and has been for two days now. You can feel the cold off the walls, in the air. In a house, you wouldn’t really know until you lost electricity then SMACK, right in the face.
It’s going to be so nice having a warm and comfortable home. No more frozen water, longer than 5 minute showers on demand, no more RV rocking due to wind and loud wind noise or the chill of the walls and floor radiating to chill you while trying to sleep. And space. We’ll be going from about 250 square feet to 980.
First off, GOODBYE JEEP! I will never, ever own one or a Chrysler product again unless it’s free or damn near dirt cheap. To be fair, we did get it at the absolutely worst possible time, during the pandemic. Everyone and their mom was jacking up car pricing and things were stupid. I’ve been flipping cars and buying, driving, and trading in or selling shit since I was a teen; it’s the first time I got a bad deal.
In fact, I sold a 2019 Tesla Model 3 a month after picking it up for MORE than I paid for it! That $50,000 car is worth $28,000 today, hardly two years later, and it was already two years old by when it sold! Brand new Model 3s cost around $37k now and Model Y was… $70,000 during the pandemic and is $34,000-$37,000 now.
I really wanted to try Full Self Driving Beta, the thing that takes you from point A to B. The issue is that it was invite only and locked down and I wasn’t going to play the safety score game. Also, I was very unimpressed by Autopilot, it felt robotic, unreliable and phantom braking was awful. The Open Source alternative, Openpilot, had better quality of autonomy back in 2018.
Now days FSD Beta is basically free game now and from what I can tell (open invite), is pretty damn good from what ride along videos I can find by real life users. Not that you can take a nap, and there will be situations where it’ll be more stressful as it can screw up and you MUST be paying attention. But the promise of your car driving you across town, through stoplights, weaving around tight corners and handling stop signs, stoplights, unprotected turns, etc seems much more realistic than it ever has been.
They are working on what’s called “end to end” and I’ll explain. Right now, they have a self driving stack of around 300,000 lines of code. They hard program policy for the car to drive and as expected, it can often feel pretty robotic. The driving task isn’t a binary thing to solve, there are unlimited edge cases and trying to hard code real life can be just about impossible.
End to end is a method, basically, where you show a machine learning agent what a human does. Shove in camera images/videos of a human driving and where the steering wheel was pointed, gas, brakes. Shove in enough videos and data and by the end of it you get a model that can just kinda magically replicate what a human can do. Instead of being like “Hey, this is a stoplight, stop while red, etc”, the model just inherently learns that the human stops when the light is red, without even knowing what a stoplight is.
It’s kinda like… imagine two setups to fling poo. You can sit down and explicitly program a robotic arm with every single movement needed to pickup the poo, how hard to fling it, etc. Then, you can show a monkey how to. You squat over, shit in your hand, then throw it at the wall. You don’t have to say a word, and they get a banana if they do well. The monkey is likely going to learn how to do it and it’s motivated by a banana. Show the monkey over and over again. Show it at night, in rain, if someone is standing in the way, if the monkey is male or female and has those body parts, if they are tall or short. The monkey more organically learns and if you teach it a million different use cases and situations on how to throw poo, it’s generally going to learn how to do it.
End to end is the monkey. Right now, and why Tesla Autopilot requires lane lines and kinda sucks, especially compared to Openpilot, is that Openpilot has been using what is called a “laneless” model, which uses end to end. They have showed their monkey how to throw poo. Not how to move their arm or every single little millimeter of which joint to exactly move, but example after example of throwing poo and it just figured it out.
Same with speed bumps, stop signs, stop lights, cars pulling in front of you, etc. It just kinda figures it out.
And that’s why we’ve been told self driving is coming every year for a decade now. Well, first off because Elon is a twat, but also because it’s really, really hard. Let’s say that when it’s dark, it’s raining, and the monkey can’t see to the left that it flings poo at children and you don’t want it to do that. You can’t simply tell the monkey what a child is and not to fling poo at it. Instead, you just have to show the monkey that in those situations you don’t fling poo at children by showing it what to do in close enough of those specific situations again, and again, and again so it just learns. Maybe that sounds complex and ambiguous, and that’s my point, and why it’s hard. It’s a round about way of doing things, but closer to how humans actually learn.
And that’s what Tesla is doing come FSD v12, or such is the goal. Of course, you can throw manual policy on top of it like override the monkey when we know for sure it needs to stop, like when we are about to run into a car or something, or it’s clear that we need to turn left. We can manually grab the monkey’s hand when needed.
Anyway, I’m excited to try it out! I think it’s going to capture my wonder and awe that I first had with Openpilot and what led to driving around the neighborhood for 10,000 miles tinkering with things back when Openpilot needed tinkering to work well, I was pretty much completely over my driving anxiety then. This gets me driving, this helps me work on my agoraphobia, this gives me something to think about when doing the hard, scary work of exposure therapy and there’s something comforting about knowing I can let the car take over to some extent. Anxiety is one of those funny things. Anxious drivers are statistically very safe drivers as they are hypervigilant and when I say I can let the car take over, this doesn’t mean I’m not ready to take over at anytime or that I’m not paying attention, that would be very unsafe. More of, it’s just comforting to know that I can delegate some of the driving task when panicking in the car and chill out for a moment while still being in total control, if that makes sense.
Don’t think for a second that I like Elon Musk, however. It’s the most painful thing for me to own a Tesla and I think it’s why Teslas have become cheap enough for me to afford right now. It’s the major reason why I got rid of the Model 3, it was downright embarrassing to be associated with him and the fanboys are even worse.
I have an Anti Elon Tesla Club sticker coming which I will proudly display on the car:
Not that it’ll prevent me from getting keyed. I guess, just like playing the new Harry Potter game, I had to realize that thousands of other people worked to bring it together and just because the leader is a douchebag, doesn’t mean that it has to completely ruin the end result. Harry Potter has a trans character, you can have a trans character. I’m sure there are plenty of people who worked on the game that hate Rowling. It’s still a shame though on some level. I also think that Hybrid cars are more practical and if we actually cared about the environment, we’d have diesel hybrids with 200+ MPG. Alas, instead we have douchebags buying Rivians to virtue signal and greenwash and I suppose I’m a bit of a douche at the end of a day for considering a Tesla, even if I found one cheap.
Anyway.
We received approval for an apartment!!! I’M SO EXCITED! No more having to empty our poo every two weeks! No more 5 minute showers and water pipes freezing up! MORE SPACE! A GARAGE!
We are getting our shit from storage this weekend and honestly, I don’t remember the majority of what’s in there! It’s gonna be like Christmas from my past self.
I’m also feeling about 30% better, I’ve been sick these last two weeks. What started as an ear infection due to sleeping with Airpods in turned into bad vertigo. Now I have the sore throat and sinus headache going around. I’m thinking, honestly, it may just be COVID. My sleep the last few days has been pretty awful, just hard to get to sleep and stay asleep. I also had a breakdown yesterday between lack of sleep, not feeling well, and the stress of so much going on. Our lead is leaving at work and we’ll be down to two people from six in support, which is insane. I literally just hit a point where I caught up my queue.
Life is good. It’s 6am, Mike’s surprise birthday party was last night. I’m sitting in the RV out back and it’s pitch black outside. Another week or so will mark one year since leaving Indianapolis and I can’t believe it’s “only” been a year, it feels so much longer.
Lately the theme has been downsizing and getting finances in order, coming to terms that I can be an emotional spender and making better decisions post pandemic as I finally feel generally good in life again, stable, safe. Motorcycle? Sold. Bunch of other shit? Sold. The Ford truck was traded in two days ago, but hear me out, the APR was so bad on it, which I knew going into it. We needed to be able to pull the trailer somehow.
No more worries there, went with a slightly used 41MPG Rav4 Hybrid with a better interest rate. Our 6 year Total Cost of Ownership massively dropped and 14MPG vs 41MPG with all of the driving I want to do in the tail end of what’s becoming what used to be my driving paralysis, and the exposure work needed to get there. Fill up from half tank? $15. 528 miles per tank. I tried the aimlessly drive the truck around on the daily, refilling the tank is a hundredaire affair.
But how do we pull the RV? With the other RV, of course and the Jeep in a pinch. We hope to sell the travel trailer and Jeep by next spring to further drop our monthly expenses. It’s the meantime, it’s paying off a few credit cards, building up savings again, working in the tail end of my driving anxiety. That is, if the Jeep isn’t totaled out come Monday.
Dead mice dying in air vents and their goo getting on the thing deep in the dash that gets hot… doesn’t smell well. The Jeep has been underivable for about two weeks now and I finally gave up trying to fix it, for now.
See the black box lower center? That’s the blend door/heater core/airbox assembly. Also see the metal frame around it? It’s impossible to get to without removing the whole ass dash, depressurizing refrigerant, draining coolant, dropping steering shaft. I’ve dumped disinfectant down it, I’ve ran ozone (and ruined some of the interior, ozone did not work regardless of how many people told me to try it on Reddit). I found another nest in back. I’m done dealing with it, hope the insurance claim adjuster brings a mask Monday.
If they don’t cover it… I’m going to get creative and try vinegar and some other things, the airbox has a drain at the bottom due to aircon condensate so dumping shit down the airbox.. anyway I’m not going to think about it right now. Worse case we’ll trade it in come spring, which we want to do anyway but I’m secretly hoping they total it due to biohazard. Good riddance. It’ll easily be a $6,000-$8,000 fix to do properly at dealership prices as you can’t get mouse goo out, you replace parts and start over.
But anyway.
No, we seriously sat down and talked about moving south and what we would need to do to get there. The simple facts of the matter is, I still have a bit more driving and exposure to do (the biggest thing) and I simply own too much shit and need to downsize (my call). We don’t need an electric bike, motorcycle, cars, RVs, a storage unit full of electronic parts and other shit, we need paid down credit cards, a fuel efficient car, money in savings again. I’ve needed to give myself an allowance for the longest time and get my spending under control which I don’t think I’ve done since living in Lafayette.
Feels weird talking about it, but admitting shit is the first step I suppose. I’ve just never really talked about money and thought of life as transient, so who cares? But it matters and no amount of random shit, or otherwise, fills that void we all have within.
Speaking of the void and general anxiety levels, I’m up at 6pm as I went to bed earlier, and have been for a while. The colder days and getting dark around 5-6pm does tend to do that. I’m finding my general anxiety levels are lower than they have been for a very long time. I still get bouts here and there, of course, like when I eat a bunch of things that don’t go together and I get a tummy ache or if I choose to go get breakfast early in the morning and I’m still groggy and a bit disoriented.
Even the Amanda dreams that my brain like to queue up from time to time are softer, it’s actually what led to writing this morning instead of just going back to sleep, which I will here soon. Yeah, the tail end of the bulk of healing, a reconciliation in my mind. It’s that threshold where memories fade a bit and the trauma and bad juju wanes off and a bit of nostalgia takes hold. It’s those last bits of healing in the subconscious. The dreams are basically just sitting and talking to understand each other, with a slight bit of want, and a slight bit of sadness, but overall positive.
Things happened and went off the rails so quickly that things just fell apart overnight and regardless of comparably how short the relationship was, or even knowing her, it’s what made healing and closure so difficult, as there was no closure and we were both quite uniquely cruel to each other, inflicted that trauma really deep in each other.
It’s crazy to think how much that impacted my life by the end of it, not only how deep it cut, for whatever reason, but how much I’ve learned about myself and the other things I’ve worked on in my life since then that I may have otherwise wouldn’t. I don’t know, it’s weird.
I don’t talk much about Kasey on my blog and I think it’s due to knowing, inherently, that she’s a private person, and also, I have to work hard to blog about positive, good things. Not because I don’t want to share them, but more, my blog is the place I go to process, to think, when it spills out and when things are good I don’t feel the need to write about it, I feel the need to experience them.
But still, I enjoy writing and I like that I’ve been in a better place. The lack of content on my blog and what content is here evidences that pretty well I think. I usually write more when traveling, also, gives my mind something to do.
Kasey and I are good. There’s been some recent upheaval due to a death in her family and some awkwardness with how to approach someone she has strong boundaries with as the person who died was married to said person. There’s also some awkwardness due to another family member being passive aggressive about things. As for I, we lost our oldest surviving relative the other day, my Great Aunt.
December has also been weird in general, it’s been in the 40s, 50s and the weather and wild clouds were strange yesterday. I guess snow just isn’t a thing Indiana does anymore and it kinda sucks. I can’t remember the last time we had a good snowy winter and things were white for more than a weekend or so.
We also have some friends locally that live just on the edge of my driving comfort zone, it’s nice! I’ve been to their house and look forward to going over more often. Then it’s just another 10 min to Kokomo, then wherever else. Openpilot/self driving arrives, again, Monday. it’ll get me out driving and will be fun to fuck around with.
But anyway. It’s time to head back to bed.
Terms of Service — Closed Site / No-Access Agreement – YOUR IP ADDRESS, BROWSER AGENT, OS, ETC IS BEING FINGERPRINTED AND LOGGED
Last Updated: August 30, 2025
Operator: The operator of this website (“we,” “us,” “our”)
Site: This website (the “Site”)
0) Private Property Notice; No Public License
This Site is private, closed, and not open to the public. No license to access, view, retrieve, copy, store, save, record, or otherwise use the Site or its content (“Content”) is granted. You are not authorized to access or use the Site unless you are an individual expressly and specifically authorized in writing by us, and you access the Site only in accordance with that written authorization.
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2) Definitions
Access means any technical act that requests, receives, renders, downloads, stores, caches, proxies, indexes, crawls, archives, screenshots, recordings, transcodes, transforms, or otherwise interacts with the Site or Content, including automated, manual, or assisted methods.
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Except for Authorized Users acting strictly within their written scope, you must not:
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Any breach causes irreparable harm for which monetary damages are inadequate. We may seek temporary, preliminary, and permanent injunctive relief, specific performance, expedited discovery, and equitable remedies without bond to the extent allowed by law, in addition to all other remedies.
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We reserve all claims and defenses, including under computer-misuse/trespass statutes, copyright and trade-secret laws, contract and tort (including trespass to chattels), and unfair-competition law.
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You will defend, indemnify, and hold harmless us and our affiliates, officers, directors, employees, and agents from any claims, liabilities, damages, losses, and expenses (including reasonable attorneys’ fees) arising from or related to your unauthorized access or use.
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19) Changes
We may modify these Terms at any time by posting an updated version with a new “Last Updated” date. Continued attempts to access after changes constitute acceptance.
